"Please, don't expect too much. Having a relationship isn't my priority right now."
That's what I told him at the start. And I still actually stand by that. He insisted anyway, so I let him try his "luck" because of the ever-perennial question: What if...? So even when there were things that went/go against him -- one, he couldn't have helped anyway -- I let him try to get to know me. He still wants to, I know, and it's interesting that he does. In fact, I'm amazed that he does!
Yet, one thing that I cannot tolerate is negativity.
As I had told him before, I want a positive-thinker so that when I'm feeling negative, he can help me turn around and smile and think better of the situation. What I didn't include to say was, "I don't want a negative person because I do not want someone who will pull me down." But I have been studying his responses and the way I see it, he may have a lot of emotional baggage in his life.
Well, most people do, but they do not let that affect their whole lives. I honestly can't say for now that he is like that, but how will I know if he doesn't want to share? All we talk about is ME. I told him he was being unfair.
I am a bit mad because of that. I want to know what he thinks, how he really is. But he's just so jolly asking about my day. How does he expect me to make a decision? How, especially when I sense that he is insecure of what I am, who I am? At the start, I let him know already about myself, even the negative stuff, so he could decide already if he would pursue me. Still, he did...
Shoot. I wouldn't exactly mind if I would feel insecure about whoever's going to be my other half since I can handle that, but I didn't expect it to be the other way around. In the long run, this might complicate matters. I've heard of situations like this, and they're never pretty. Oh, yes, I have this romantic notion in my head that maybe I'll be the one who'll help him be a better person...Yeah, right. I cannot just wait around and see. Here's another what if : What if he doesn't?
So today, I sent him a message. Maybe an ultimatum. There were questions answerable only by yes or no (example: Are you a positive-thinker? Do you really like me not because you just want to have someone?). Then I told him, if he answers YES to all of them, then I will go out with him. If he answers NO to anyone of them, then we better stop everything. So far, he hasn't said a word. I had told him that if I don't receive a reply, then it's okay. I know the answer.
The day isn't over yet (or maybe he's still in the process of deciding). But if he doesn't answer, I really won't mind. I do not really want to waste my time with someone who thinks that his life is such a waste. I don't like wallowing in waste.
Do I love him? No, not yet, maybe never. I'm more in love with the idea of being in love. I wouldn't want to short-change him either. I will love him when I feel that I do. Right now, I don't, and he will do well to make more effort and not pity himself all the time just because he thinks he's smaller than I am. I just think everyone deserves to be loved.
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P.S. He just sent me a message just now saying sorry for not replying earlier (hmmn, must be ESP). Have yet to talk about it so sorry for the suspense...
I wish I had had my head on as straight as yours when I was your age! All those things you speak of, I learned gradually while in my relationships. There has been heartache, but it's turned out for the best...thank God!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are very introspective, and that's good.
i noe hw u feel now..
ReplyDeletei have been thru all this..
i noe u like poems..
here is sth i wrote long ago..
ard 2 yrs ago..
why?
why is the earth round?
for us to go around in circles
moving about in circles?
why must God create mankind?
we are suffering, can't he see?
Questions...
Questions to which no answers are given...
why can't men pause to listen?
Listen to the frustration, the pain
And the heartache they are causing?
Are they so obsessed with themselves
that they can't hear others' pain?
Or are they too superior to care
even alil bit about the others around?
why does the sun rise in the east
and sets in the west?
must everything be as it is?
Why must things turn out this way?
So many things are taken for granted
Do anyone ask why?
Ahh, the frustration, the unanswered questions..
Why..why...why????????
you did your part........so much hints along the way.........=)
ReplyDelete"I wish I had had my head on as straight as yours when I was your age!"
ReplyDeleteThank you. I frankly don't know if I can really keep it straight and for how long, but I will try.
"All those things you speak of, I learned gradually while in my relationships."
Well, I am sure that there are still lots for me to learn. I will welcome the lessons of life. Better to learn than not at all, right?
"Anyway, you are very introspective, and that's good."
It's actually one of those days when I'm actually not making a mess of my own life, ha ha!!!!
Thanks for the poem, Jessie-girl!
ReplyDeleteI will share with you mine later, so you'll see how evil I am...LOL!!!! Kidding!!!! Just that the ones I've posted before here were all by my Miss Hyde personality.
"you did your part........so much hints along the way"
ReplyDeleteActually, not just hints, Soul. I told them exactly the way I wanted to tell them. I was brutally frank even. Didn't want to but he gave me no choice.
I made it a point to read this through twice, simply because my brain is malfunctioning partially due to the after-effects of a terrible migraine.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you meant about how you'd want to have a positive thinker around so that when you're feeling negative, he'd be able to do something to make you smile & feel better. Don't we all?
But with that being said, don't we all feel down every now and then? Would anyone possibly be positive all the time? At times, my cynical self would tell me, "You know, you're lucky if you're truly happy like 5-10% of your lifetime."
Perhaps what we can settle for would be to find someone, who can be positive & strong when you need to be negative & weak. Thereafter, when he needs to be weak & wallow, then it'll be our turn to be the positive & stronger one. Maybe, it would be good to take turns.
We all carry emotional baggages, dear sister. The difference is the size and how often we can put them down to take a breather.
"I have this romantic notion in my head that maybe I'll be the one who'll help him be a better person.."
Personally, I won't count on that. For isn't love supposed to be blind? That you go into this relationship not hoping to change the other person to someone whom we feel would be "better", but instead to accept this person for who they are?
It's tiresome to want to help make someone a better person. Especially for me, because I'm not even quite sure how I can "better" reform my own self.
"I want to know what he thinks, how he really is.."
Then tell him that.
Tell him it's not about being fair.
Tell him you want to know simply because you care.
If he was really scared away.......I would wonder if he's really gonna be worth it.....:-)
ReplyDelete"Perhaps what we can settle for would be to find someone, who can be positive & strong when you need to be negative & weak. Thereafter, when he needs to be weak & wallow, then it'll be our turn to be the positive & stronger one. Maybe, it would be good to take turns."
ReplyDeleteThat is what I meant. I don't want it to be one-sided at all. But I'm just saying if he's going to be sorry and insecure all the time, that's not going to be good at all. I don't want to pull him down, but he must try not to pull me down, too. If right now, he doesn't want to share himself, how will I know what to expect and how to try and help the both of us?
"We all carry emotional baggages, dear sister."
I know. I have acknowledged that in my post.
"isn't love supposed to be blind? That you go into this relationship not hoping to change the other person to someone whom we feel would be 'better', but instead to accept this person for who they are?"
I don't really believe love is supposed to be blind. If at all, you should enter a relationship when things are clearer to you, not go ahead blindly. I really get what you mean, and to some extent, I agree. You should learn to accept a person...But also to an extent. If you can try and help, why not? And I so would expect him to try and help me, too. Love is supposed to make you and your partner feel good. But if he only makes excuses, for instance, if he doesn't believe enough in himself and you just want him to have self-confidence...Isn't that a good thing on your part?
Believe me, just giving him a chance in the first place was hard for me, but I am thinking that he can't do anything about what he is right now. But I keep trying to reassure him that he isn't as low as he thinks he is. That he can do better if he wants to. I never would have said anything if he had not been expressing it himself, that he might not be worthy of me, and yet he tries, which is ironic.
Besides, let's just say I'm thinking very much ahead, but supposed we got married? I will make my vow to be there with him for richer or for poorer. That's just fine. I really can. But in a family, it's not just you and him. It's you and him and the kids. The kids don't choose you, therefore, they are not supposed to be there "for poorer". It is the parents' responsibility to make sure they don't suffer.
I know I'm not perfect. I certainly don't expect him to be. I don't really care if he's not as educated or privileged as I am. But I just want him to know that he cannot keep putting himself down (he does, believe me) because nothing good will come out of it. I don't have magic to make him better, neither does he. That's why we sure need to work at it hard.
"I want to know what he thinks, how he really is..
Then tell him that."
I have, several times.
"Tell him you want to know simply because you care."
Uh, the care-part, that will have to wait. I just care, for a fellow human, like the way I care for my friends, the way my friends care for me when I'm being an idiot. If I say that,...Well, I don't want him to expect anything. So far, friendship is really I can offer him. In fact, I told him before that if things don't work out, I hoped we could still be friends. And I sincerely meant it.
This is my mind frame: When I can finally accept a person, regardless of who or what he is, then that must be true love. Then I will accept him, plain and simple.
I don't want to pull him down, but he must try not to pull me down, too.
ReplyDeleteCan anyone pull you down, if you disallow it to be so? I know how it feels, to be in the company of people who are always wallowing in self pity. In fact, at times I'd wonder when you guys will start getting sick of hearing me whine. *smirkz*
The point is, I don't think I'd be able to pull anyone down unless he / she decides to come down with me.
Perhaps the reason why he doesn't wish to share himself is due to the fact that from the very beginning, you'd already told him quite plainly that you're not "into" this as much as he would like to. Inferiority & the constant repetition of what you'd said may have made it worse.
"But if he only makes excuses, for instance, if he doesn't believe enough in himself and you just want him to have self-confidence...Isn't that a good thing on your part?"
I agree that love's supposed to make both parties feel good. That being said, I think sometimes, some people are just so unsure of themselves that they end up thinking that whatever they do, will never be good enough. And they want the best for their other halves.
"Besides, let's just say I'm thinking very much ahead, but supposed we got married? I will make my vow to be there with him for richer or for poorer."
It's good to think ahead, but perhaps at this juncture your mind may have drifted a tad bit too far. Why think of marriage when it seems (from wat you've said) that you're not even quite sure if this relationship's going to go that far? Afterall, you said that at this point, it seems that friendship is the only thing you can offer him.
You are right. Perhaps I ought to correct myself. Love isn't about being blind. Perhaps it's more about being able to see far more clearly about someone and still feel equally strongly inside.
And that, is one other thing we'd be doing in common.
ReplyDeleteThe refusal to allow ourselves to pull others down along with us, even if it means shutting them out despite the pain.
"It is important for me to make sure I have a strong person who will be with me. I specifically ask God to give me, if He will, someone who will be strong. I am not a very strong person, I know.
And I... ask for one to be strong when I am weak. I don't suppose I can find someone who's strong most of the time, but I just need him to be strong for me when I need to be weak. (Though friends can do this too...)
I think perhaps both of you just need time & he needs to realise what it entails to be the one for you. Good luck with this one!
Good luck to all of us!!!!
ReplyDeleteUPDATE 2017: To be perfectly honest, I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS ANYMORE!!! I am very sure I never made anything up, but I don't remember this in particular, or who he was in particular. I've got a teeny bit idea, though, of how we probably met...This is like me discovering my younger self now...So weird...
ReplyDelete