This has got to be one of the worse, if not the worst, Christmases ever in my entire adult life. So far. Just when I thought there would be no chance of Christmas becoming "bad" anymore.
Wrong.
These past days, my Miss Hyde has been popping here and there to distract me. And why not? It's almost 2005 and what have I really proved to myself? I have come to know myself more, yes, but that is hardly comforting or reassuring, to say the least. So far, all I've really felt these days sum it all up in one word - INADEQUATE. 'Cause that's what I feel, inadequate...
...as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a relative, a neighbor, a godmother, a friend.
...as a writer, a poet, an artist, a professional.
...as an advocate, a member of society, a girl/woman/female.
...as a Filipino.
...as a human being.
Yes, I know, I'm allowed not to be perfect. But I don't want to use that excuse. Can't I just be adequate enough for once? That will probably suffice for the perfectionist in me. Just this once, please give me that. Why does our world always have to hang in a balance? Why can't it just stay on a platform where it's safer?
Yes, I also know that. If it does that, then the world will have to come to a stop. Then what? I'm just wishful thinking, I guess. I wish there is a way to let the world keep turning without any danger of falling...Like I said, wishful thinking.
Please, bring back my optimism, even just this Christmas. If I can't have that, then let me sulk for a change. Move over, happiness. There's just one emotion that my heart can accommodate today. No vacancy, sorry.
My world seems much too small these days. Small, and hanging on a balance.
inadequate is the word, ain't it not?
ReplyDeleteinadequate to the society I feel too, are we not?
inadequate in life, we most are of course.
It just makes me tired sometimes when I realize these things. I want to be want I want to be. Now. Maybe patience is a virtue. But I want to know if I'll live long enough to find out if I can do it. I want to be, at least, adequate...
ReplyDeleteOf course, it really is all up to me. But darn, if it isn't so damn hard.
indeed. and yet many fail to realise the pain i am going through.
ReplyDeleteChange, it's not something that as said, happens in a blink of an eye.
Look at this as yet another one of those many crossroads and stumbling blocks we encounter in our lives.
ReplyDeleteInadequacy is one thing that happens to me, too, but just before it consumes me, I close my eyes, think of all the things I have accomplished in the past, and say, "I got here, I got past those, I can do it again."
Don't aim to be perfect. That would just break you.
I don't really aim to be perfect, but I do try to aim to be near perfect, he he.
ReplyDeleteIt probably might not consume me. I can be too positive at times, like you.
I was editing my blog pages and re-read this. I don't feel THAT bad anymore, but can't help but still feel a bit depressed...Oh well, what to do, eh? Just go on again, I guess. Better things are bound to come. It's a cycle, really. Up, down, left, right...
ReplyDeleteUPDATE 2016: I have to say that this coming Christmas being the worst ever is not true anymore. I've had more experiences that made my 2004 Christmas like a walk in the park (with no snow, of course).
ReplyDeleteI MEANT "I have to say that this 2004 Christmas being the worst ever is not true anymore."
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