I Tried

I tried the wrong way and, of course, I got burned.

 I tried the right way and it fizzled, no matter how I fanned what little imaginary flame there was. 

Yes, Lord, I know: "This is all there is to it so quit thinking otherwise."

At least

It's April. One year after I began. It really started as an experiment, but who am I really kidding, really? 

It has gone on long enough and yet, here I am. I began my goodbyes a few months back and it's been alright enough. But some goodbyes have been too hard to give. One goodbye, I've done over and over and yet I come back. This time, I hope it's for real. The last goodbye, I don't know if it's coming soon. Or at least, I'm just delaying the inevitable. 

My friend says that at least, I went through it. I really am not sure if I should be that grateful. But then, I got that advice from someone with a more whacked sense. She also says that at least I've made some people happy. Well, that is my only consolation. At least, it's what they know and I have to say that I, indeed, sincerely wanted them to be happy, made efforts even, because I am that kind of person.

It's been only a year but why do I feel like it's been several years already? What a phase it's been. 

When I finally say my last goodbye, I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna miss them. But I have to.

I have to. 

Hello, Goodbye

Exaggerated some like ulcer, but basically, I was honest...except that I really want say nasty things to him...LOL!!!!!!! 

Dear Mister Evil,

First of all, let me thank you for giving me the opportunity to serve your company as Copywriter despite my lack of experience in the field. However, it is with regret that I now tender my resignation.

This letter is to formally inform you of my intent of leaving. This should give you ample time to find a suitable and, hopefully, better replacement. I shall stay and work for 30 days, should I be required.

I made the decision due mainly to three concerns - professional, financial, and health-related.

First. I realized that perhaps, I do not have the qualities you are looking for in a copywriter. This is as evidenced by the almost-constant rejection of copies I make. It seems I do not meet your expectations after all and as a writer, this bothers me. As your company is in that important stage of "expanding", you need  an experienced copywriter, not someone you need to teach. I do not want to be seen as more of a liability rather than an asset.

Second.  At this point in time, I am expected to be independent already. However, the opposite has happened. Due to the over-delay of salary releases, my independence has been affected tremendously. I have become the parasite I have always hated, feeding off other people's kindness. I now owe friends more debts than ever. I have become a burden to my family who give me a little allowance every week when I should be helping in putting food on the table and buying much-needed medicines. My mother is now indebted to a lot of people, too, because of me who need money every week. Lastly, it is rather humiliating to promise to pay the landlady for board and lodging and then give her nothing and no definite answer as to when I can exactly pay. 

I cannot anymore let this go on and be always worried about where to get my next meal or the money for bus fare.This is not called independence.

Third. Due to lack of money, my diet has consisted of mainly canned food and rice since Day One. Sometimes, I do not  even eat rice. It is now over a month and things are still the same, which should not be so. The constant changing of the working schedule has also affected my body clock and worsened my mild ulcer. Migraines seem to visit me more than thry usually do due to lack of sleep and food, and to minimal light source and ventilation at work.  

I have lost a considerable amount of weight, which may be good for the time-being but could be detrimental in the long-run. This, out of all the three, is what concerns me most. I do not want to sacrifice my health or it may all just go downhill from there. It will affect everything, including work.

Therefore, as aforementioned, I now tender my resignation.

Again, thank you. 

Respectfully, (yeah, right)

Lildovefeather

****************************************************

UPDATE: I edited the letter before I sent it. The updated version is in the comments.

Serving my Hero

"My oldest memory dates way back when I was just a year old. Many people do not remember things at this age so perhaps, you don’t believe me. But I do remember – and I remember a lot – and am sure of it. I have a picture to prove it, in fact. At least, to myself. Old and sepia-colored, that picture is still very dear to my heart..."

I shared this in my other personal blog This is the UPDATED/EDITED version:

No Vacancy

Some Christmas this is turning out to be.

This has got to be one of the worse, if not the worst, Christmases ever in my entire adult life. So far. Just when I thought there would be no chance of Christmas becoming "bad" anymore.

Wrong.

These past days, my Miss Hyde has been popping here and there to distract me. And why not? It's almost 2005 and what have I really proved to myself? I have come to know myself more, yes, but that is hardly comforting or reassuring, to say the least. So far, all I've really felt these days sum it all up in one word - INADEQUATE. 'Cause that's what I feel, inadequate...

...as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a relative, a neighbor, a godmother, a friend.

...as a writer, a poet, an artist, a professional.

...as an advocate, a member of society, a girl/woman/female.

...as a Filipino.

...as a human being.

Yes, I know, I'm allowed not to be perfect. But I don't want to use that excuse. Can't I just be adequate enough for once? That will probably suffice for the perfectionist in me. Just this once, please give me that. Why does our world always have to hang in a balance? Why can't it just stay on a platform where it's safer?

Yes, I also know that. If it does that, then the world will have to come to a stop. Then what? I'm just wishful thinking, I guess. I wish there is a way to let the world keep turning without any danger of falling...Like I said, wishful thinking.

Please, bring back my optimism, even just this Christmas. If I can't have that, then let me sulk for a change. Move over, happiness. There's just one emotion that my heart can accommodate today. No vacancy, sorry.

My world seems much too small these days. Small, and hanging on a balance.