No Vacancy

Some Christmas this is turning out to be.

This has got to be one of the worse, if not the worst, Christmases ever in my entire adult life. So far. Just when I thought there would be no chance of Christmas becoming "bad" anymore.

Wrong.

These past days, my Miss Hyde has been popping here and there to distract me. And why not? It's almost 2005 and what have I really proved to myself? I have come to know myself more, yes, but that is hardly comforting or reassuring, to say the least. So far, all I've really felt these days sum it all up in one word - INADEQUATE. 'Cause that's what I feel, inadequate...

...as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a relative, a neighbor, a godmother, a friend.

...as a writer, a poet, an artist, a professional.

...as an advocate, a member of society, a girl/woman/female.

...as a Filipino.

...as a human being.

Yes, I know, I'm allowed not to be perfect. But I don't want to use that excuse. Can't I just be adequate enough for once? That will probably suffice for the perfectionist in me. Just this once, please give me that. Why does our world always have to hang in a balance? Why can't it just stay on a platform where it's safer?

Yes, I also know that. If it does that, then the world will have to come to a stop. Then what? I'm just wishful thinking, I guess. I wish there is a way to let the world keep turning without any danger of falling...Like I said, wishful thinking.

Please, bring back my optimism, even just this Christmas. If I can't have that, then let me sulk for a change. Move over, happiness. There's just one emotion that my heart can accommodate today. No vacancy, sorry.

My world seems much too small these days. Small, and hanging on a balance.

A word from Shakespeare

"To bait fish withal It will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge. He hath disgraced me, and hindered me half a million, laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains, scorned my nation, thwarted my bargains, cooled my friends, heated mine enemies. And what's his reason? 

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? 

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? 

If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction."

- Shylock, from "The Merchant of Venice" by William Shakespeare.

No, I am not a Jew, and this is not really about being a Jew, or being a Christian or Muslim or any other religion. This is about equality. Go pass the actual words and read between the lines. You will see the message quite clearly - We are all humans.

But being humans, we tend to forget and we seek and destroy each other and the world. Sometimes, I think the world is better off without us.

Stop this world, I wanna get off.

I Dreamed a Dream

From The Mind Unleashed's "10 Things You Didn't Know About Lucid Dreaming"

 Really curious...

Do you ever have dreams like you're in the movies? Not like watching a movie you've seen, but like being in one, even if you only realize it when you awake. I have these all the time! Complete with stars I either know or have never seen (or I can't even see the faces). The stars don't even have to be people I like nor hate and I'm always surprised why they come up in my dreams at all. Sometimes I wake up and realize "Hey, that's an idea!" and I wish I could write them.

They have their own plots! I mean, it's been said that often, dreams have something to do with the dreamer's state at the moment (problematic, etcetera), but sometimes, the dreams really have nothing to do with me at all, hard as I try to interpret! It's like I write them in my dreams! I just wish the plots are much clearer and sensible, though, ha ha! Maybe I could actually create one script. I've heard that some music artists compose songs in their dreams, so...I'm just saying this because the other night, I had a funny li'l dream. It wasn't that clear at the start, rather weird, but it soon became more "plot-driven".

It was a fantasy-comedy thing, maybe in the tradition of Ella Enchanted. The protagonist was an Afro-American "actress" but I'm not sure if she even exists in the real world at all. Her brother in the dream, I now remember, was Chris Tucker with long hair, LOL!!!! Exasperated by him, she stormed off then missed seeing her soon-to-be love interest, another Afro-American who was rather on the heavy side and with long hair, too. Maybe I've seen him before. She missed seeing him aboard a tricycle (a vehicle in the Philippines, ha ha! Research on it on the Net) with a little girl, his sister, who seemed Filipino. 

Then the woman was in the house, our house, and opened what we call our old kitchen which looked like a storage room (it does look like it anyway). There were old stuff that magically moved and talked and said something like going somewhere where all the others who were like them were! And then there was a Caucasian man I couldn't even recognize because he was covered in dirt and dust together with the stuff in the "storage room". The woman got more exasperated by the man and the stuff and stormed off again...

Then I woke up and was disappointed I didn't get to see the whole thing! Ha ha ha!!!!! And it's funny that dream psychologists or analysts or whatever you call them say that dreams almost always are in black and white. But my dream was in full color!!!! Really funny!!! Most of my "movie" dreams are often in color, though this was the clearest I ever had.

Oh, man...Well, anyway, one can actually tell oneself s/he is dreaming, I just need practice. So I will practice and then plot the whole thing in my dream. I will certainly search data on dream manipulations...Cool, huh?

What I Am

I have been thinking. With all the things that are happening around me, where do I stand? I have heard that it is better to have an opinion than none at all. I guess apathy can kill, if not the body, then the soul, and a dead soul is not worth living at all. So I've listed down and contemplated on my positions.

What I am is...

ANTI-WAR. I don't think that anyone actually likes war. Only, there are those who do what they do out of honor, duty, nationalism, or pure faith. Unfortunately, there are also those who do what they do out of ignorance, revenge, misplaced pride, or plain fanaticism. Mostly, wars are caused by those who only want a bigger slice of the world-cake.

PRO-PEACE. People go to war because they refuse to meet half-way and reach a compromise.

ANTI-HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION. Do I actually need to explain why?

PRO-WOMEN'S LIB. I am so, not because I am female, but because I am human. Make me a man and I still would be pro-Women's Lib. Sad to say, there are countries that still do not recognize the importance of women in society and treat women as second-class citizens. You'd think people came from their fathers' wombs!

ANTI-ABORTION. This is where I draw the line. I think that while women do have the right to decide what to do with their own lives, it does not, in any way, include killing the helpless and innocent. What it is is premeditated killing. There's a word for that - MURDER. Of course, I realize that there are isolated cases that this would be necessary. But that's just it, they are isolated.

PRO-GAY/LESBIAN RIGHTS. Just because you're different from them, it does not make you better or more human. Why can't we just accept that? Straight or not, we all belong to the same species and, therefore, have equal rights as humans. In the end, it really is not up to us to make the final judgment on how an individual fared as a human. Only his/her God holds that right.

ANTI-CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. Yes, cliche, but it is "against God's law". Or if you'll prefer to keep religion out of it, I still say no to capital punishment. I always put myself in the shoes of the accused. What if I know in my heart that I'm innocent, but someone powerful decides to frame me? What if because of that, I cannot, in anyway, prove my innocence? I am innocent but will be dead, anyway...

Let's face it. The Laws of Man, being that of man, is not always just. And come to think of it, let's say the accused is guilty beyond reasonable doubt. The family and friends of the victim get their revenge, with the intent of sending him to death. Isn't that simply making murder legal? So what do we have laws for? The point is lost. It is stretched to a line that we can break if the judicial system allows it.

ANTI-RACISM. All of us have our own biases. I, for one, fall into that trap once in a while. I say things that, I later on realize, smack of racism. But that is the first step, to realize that we are still somewhat racist or, at least, we just maybe wrong. What is important is we keep an open mind and accept that not everyone is like us and will probably remain so forever, that there can also be beauty in diversity.

 
These are my stand on things. If you don't approve, then tough luck for me. If you do, then tough luck on those who don't. Everyone to his/her own opinion. You may love it, you may hate it, but don't go pushing your ideas down another's throat when you know he does not want to swallow your pill. No amount of forcing will do you good if it is not welcome. Do, then just watch him regurgitate it.


These are my opinions and I will not push them down your throat. I just don't want the more bitter pill called "Apathy".

Shoot

From the movie Ratatouille

 A certain Ernie's first post in my Filipino writing group:

> > > O most illustrious of thinking and feeling creatures,
> > >
> > > I have been lurking by the sidelines reveling in your
> > commentaries, drinking in the colors and shades of your
> > brainchildren. This phenomenon was long time coming, that the
> > Filipino creative soul should stir and be finally unmuzzled. May
> > our tribe increase and be a long line of free thinkers and free
> > creators of art without the artifice and having only truth as our
> > standard and reason for being. With this rationale, please accept
> > my offering...(he posts a poem)

Good enough intro for me. Seems like a nice enough guy. So I replied with:

> > Welcome, Lurker Ernie :p Glad to finally be able to read a part of
> > your soul. Very nice!

And I meant it! The poem was very nice. His reply:

"You're very kind and generous with your welcome. Although I was hoping for a more detailed reaction/critique, you had been the the very first to respond for which I am very grateful."

Okay, still nice enough, but there was that bit of scolding that I should've done better than say "Very nice!" I dunno what else he wanted me to say. I'm not so good with commenting on poems, that's the truth. I only know if I like it. Maybe it would've been better if I said it sucked? But anyway, I let it pass.

Now, his comment for someone else's poem:

"Ka Robert,
I find 'if only' the fascinating disjointed ramblings of a mind twice burnt now stranded by fear of making a choice. But then again if it is just adolescent remorse- get over it."

Is it me or is this guy starting to stink? Now, his comment about my OBSESSION...

"Yo Li'l Dove,
'Obsession' is like an exercise on the unbridled use of adjectives, too much information too soon. You need to hold back and tantalize your reader with just enough to whet his appetite for details. Then again if you just were aiming to write a forgettable Harlequin pulp love story copy, then ignore this counsel."

Alright, I appreciate his comments, really, I do. But you know, it's the way he said it. I am really starting to feel a "Hey, ain't I great" attitude here. It's like he didn't write that first post...Next:

"Yo, Melissa,
It is indeed beautiful, this Ed Labadia version of Desiderata in Tagalog. Knowing the limitations of our national language, he did a remarkable work of translation although one feels it is of the Balagtas variety rather than the more current Liwayway. The challenge still remains for the Filipino poet to create something original in a living language that will rejoice in a revelation of truth rather than perpetuate obscurity."

Okay, not really a bad comment, but having read his other comments, I feel like this guy thinks he is this excellent writer and some sort of authority. Well, maybe he is, but you know, while we're not looking for sugar-coating, maybe a little more respect is needed although I must say he's presently much tamer.I've seen this type of behavior in other groups before so I shudder to think he'll be "showing" the same stinker in my group!

I really hope he leaves...

More tests to prove I'm human...

Have to post this fast before they turn off the server...

You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious. A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host. You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a frind to all. Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform. Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

What Planet Are You From?

WARNING: This is not posted to rile up any pro- nor anti-Bush out there...I wonder if this next one is true of me though...

Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I tried adding another test but Multiply can't seem to be able to show it, I dunno...

Jobs Ha(u)nting Me

Okay, here's the thing. I have not really sent any job applications yet. I should, I know, especially because the job opportunities are actually coming to me instead of just me looking for them!!! Well, shoot, I make it sound like I'm so in demand. Not exactly. But I feel like they are being served to me on a platter.

Job Opportunity #1: There's a scriptwriting workshop that one TV network is sponsoring. If your application gets accepted and you pass the interview, you're in and will be under the training of a very good and well-respected writer. Also, you are assured of a job in the network after the workshop.

But the thing is, I have heard that being a scriptwriter isn't as easy as simply writing. I heard it last year from someone who worked for the network as creative consultant. At the time, we were both attending a scriptwriting workshop under another respected writer. At the same time last year, the TV network already did this kind of workshop I mentioned but since I still had a job (well, still has, but that's not the point) and I was presently completing the workshop I was in, I didn't try. Anyway, I found out that two people I worked with in our college paper joined last year and are now writing for the network. Both are in my Friendster list so I sent one of them a mail asking direct questions, begging for direct answers.

She - let's call her "O" - did answer directly. "O" does love her work now, and the pay is good when you have a project, but she did explain to me everything, especially it being not stable and the conditions. What I found out discouraged me. The network, being the sponsor, does have the right to give those conditions, but I don't think I can handle them. If I did try to join (deadline for application was the other day) and got in, and if I do decide to go through the workshop and then quit the offered job afterwards, the conditions would be so much against me that I might lose more opportunities.

So yes, I am foregoing that opportunity.

Job Opportunity #2: Got text message from a friend - let's call her "C" - today, saying she and "O" will be taking film classes this semester under this well-known director ("O" will also take scriptwriting classes) and would I like to do so also? So I told her that as much as I would like to, I can't because I'm on my way to bumsville. She asked me why I didn't join the workshop I mentioned earlier so I said I didn't like the conditions. But anyway, she mentioned about the network looking for researchers. I think that one, I will try, but will have to see if they have strict conditions about that, too.

 Job Opportunity #3: A friend - let's call her "W" - who will soon work for a rival network (well, she has been somehow connected with them for sometime now), told me they are looking for writers or maybe researchers, too. It's not announced in the site so "W" volunteered to bring my resume here for me. She hasn't come back yet, so I'm not sure. I'm not blaming her, though. "W" must have forgotten and I don't want to bother her as she's in the middle of resigning also. Can't send application through e-mail because I don't know where to send as, like I said, they have not announced it online.

Job Opportunity #4: Having learned of my resignation, my friend from the Student Affairs Office gave me a name and an e-mail address. This person to be contacted works at yet another rival network. Will e-mail. This is probably going to be the easiest (in terms of the network job-thingies) as first, this person actually asked my friend to make me send a resumé.

Job Opportunity #5: This is the most different but probably the most sure job that I might get. I am part of a group that is trying to build a school for performance and creative arts that will cater to underprivileged kids. As we created this first online, and as I have only attended the two-day meeting and not the others, I haven't met some of the other people yet. Anyway, in our e-group, I posted a message stating my "case" and asked if they knew of any job openings. One guy actually said "I am always on the look out for new teachers"! Turns out he is Vice Chair of the Communication Department or something of a well-known private school! The better part is my degree fits their need because they need people who will teach communication theories, etcetera! The best part is, he said the only requirement he needs is for me to have a degree, and I do!!!! Wow, isn't that grand?

I think I'm almost in. Still not counting too much on it, but hey, it was the Vice Chair himself who invited me...OMG...I'm going to be a teacher...Wake me!


So you see what I meant by the jobs being served to me? They're just...there! I think I will take the part-time teaching job and get another job. These opportunities will actually give me more time to sleep and more time to do other things that I?ve been rearing to do, like join other kinds of workshops or even visit museums.

Okay, now, I really have to start sending my resume!!!

Oh, Shoot!!!...Follow Up

"Sorry, everyone for my past posts (except the last one which was for the Cove). I thought I was posting my Broadway group!!!...Dang!"


ONE DAY AFTER: I'm confused. In my group, they did get posted. But when I checked the "Messages" section, it said the messages were posted for everyone, no mention of the group at all.

Please, anyone, did any of you get those messages intended for the group, those with these titles: Welcome..., Getting to know... ?

Calm indifference, anyone?

I have been reading sad posts these past days. Then John said something like pebbles creating ripples and this poem came to mind. For all of us...

SANG-FROID

Still as water, the heart learns
the art of false serenity.

Each stone casts ripples upon ripples
upon placid emotions.

Each stone with its jagged edges
each, cutting, sinking.

Density has no meaning.
Depth is not a question.

Only calm indifference.

Yet...

As the water turns murky,
     as the water overflows,
          as the water runs dry..

Perhaps, it will cast its own ripples.

For the moment, there is only agitation
in tranquility.

Sang-froid, indeed.

Copyright © December 2001 By lildovefeather

Finally!!!

This is darker than The Smirk. Kicking off the goody-two-shoes now... ;p

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"
May

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.


Stubborn (as a bull? yeah, yeah, yeah. Rotten stereotype)...Hard-hearted (wrong, dude)... Strong-willed and highly motivated (trying to be)...Sharp thoughts (sometimes) ...Easily angered (next, please!)...Attracts others and loves attention (are you talking about me?!!!)...Deep feelings (unfortunately)...Beautiful physically (wishing) and mentally (dunno about that)...Firm standpoint (most of the time)...Needs no motivation (depends)...Easily consoled (seems to be right)...Systematic (on occasions)...Loves to dream (yup)...Strong clairvoyance (kinda, when things get a bit weirder)...Sickness usually in the ear and neck (kinda, could be coincidental)... Good imagination (*smile*)...Loves literature and the arts (*wide smile*)... Loves traveling (would love to but not much chance)...Dislike being at home (on the contrary...)...Restless (a bit)...Not having many children (uh, I wouldn't know yet)...Hardworking (but not when unappreciated)...High spirited (he he...sometimes no)...Spend-thrift (kinda but when I really want something, I let go)...