Define "Importance"

I had been meaning to mention this. Ten minutes after publishing my last post, I received news. Granted that it wasn't good news. But it was also like the universe was telling me that no, it was not my time yet. It probably won't be in many years (frankly, I do hope so). More recent happenings involving family and friends confirmed it. People do need me.

There are those who don't need me. Some don't care an iota whether I exist in their universe or not. They are probably too busy acting and thinking like the world revolves around them. Still, yes, I should never define my existence based on their false sense of self-importance. 

No one should depend on other people's definition of them. 

I assume that I'll still get these bouts of depression from time to time. What's important is to always remember that I matter to people who do matter to me, too. They need me. I can't bear the thought of leaving them hurt, angry, and confused. 

If they think I'm their light, then I'll sure as heck try to shine as bright as I can. Even if I burn.

Part of this World?

I know, I know. Maybe practically everyone feels alone and different, at least, once in his/her life. It's normal, especially for a teenager. I felt like that several times when I was a teen. Yet, I've felt like that at many various times in my adult life, too. It keeps happening, It just isn't excusable for me anymore.

Not that I ask to be excused, especially for negative behavior that sometimes stems from insecurity and anxiety. I do say my sorry-s. I don't want to be excused. I want to just GROW THE F UP!!! I WISH I could just snap my fingers and I'm fine again. But I'm never really. I am just able to mask the problems even from myself to be able to say to myself that I'm fine.

That whole positive side I've had for many years were probably just a mask, too. Yes, I know, it's not bad to be positive, I believe that. I'm just saying I wish I really felt what I believed I was supposed to be feeling.

I want to be understood. It's not that I haven't tried to explain myself or haven't tried listening to people. I actually always do. It's just it's hard to convince myself when people don't really care to understand deeper. Like what I read from a post by a young man I never met, and whose own life he cut short himself,...

"Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people

who are committed to misunderstanding you."

I don't applaud the kid for what he did, but I understand what he went through. I go through that with a lot of people. A few weeks ago, I was confronted. Rather than explain myself more, I just said sorry. I didn't want to drag the issue more because it has been going on for a long time. I did try to explain but after a few exchanges, I knew it was futile trying to change an already-made up mind. 

Even when I've changed, people who just aren't interested in me enough have made my past errors as a convenient excuse to not befriend me. Simply put, I just can't catch up and they have no patience to wait for me. They just aren't open enough to admit how they have treated me, too. But okay, I let it pass already. Like I said, I said sorry. No amount of explaining to my "confronter" her misconceptions and unrealized bias against me. I couldn't even explain to her that no, her comparing her problems to me were not the same. Cases in point: 

• She is much more well-off financially (I'm not at all).
• She has parents and well-to-do siblings to back her up even if she turns poor (I don't have parents anymore and my only sister is far away and she needs my help).
• She has her own kids who love her (one of my stepsons hate me, the other swears he loves me but he probably doesn't, I had two miscarriages and may never have my own kids again).
• She has a close-knit enough clan to help her out in times of trouble (mine cause me the troubles a lot of times, pushing me against the wall if not get me stuck between two walls colliding). 

No. Comparison. At. All. 

I now acknowledge that I have depression. It could be clinical depression, or maybe I'm just romanticizing the idea, I'm not sure. I will probably go through many bouts of it still. People don't really have a need for me now, except one person, and that's my sister. Even my husband and his kids can live without me because of their whole clan who accepts them. They're not bad. I'm just not considered one of them.

I've said it a lot of times enough in the past, if there's no one who needs me anymore in this world, I'll gladly wait for God to take me already.

BURGLARY!!!!

As I write this, the news is new. My husband just informed me our house just got burglarized. He/They stole my old laptop (I hope they get frustrated trying to turn it on because it's already not functioning correctly, PLUS the screen is broken, they won't see a thing unless they attach it to a monitor). Worse, the money we had been keeping was stolen. That was money that I just borrowed! It wasn't freakin' extra money!

I borrowed that money to cover for the replacement of our water pipes and relocation of the meter. We had to because my relatives kept demanding that I do it immediately. Fortunately, the work's done. But I'm so mad because I was going to use it wisely for our needs, to pay off other debts and to save more until we could raise around 50K, the amount needed to transfer my parents' remains to the memorial lot I am paying for, as demanded by my other relatives (long story why)...

I'm supposed to be forgiving. What pisses me off is why am I not that angry???!!! I mean I'm angry, but I should be body-shaking angry! Can't I react like any other normal being and not just be nice about it and thinking, "Oh well, it's done. Move on. Be careful next time."...Is it my fault people are bad????

UPDATE: Laptop found in my parents' bedroom where it shouldn't be. Either the burglar(s) realized it was the wrong one, or thought it might be noticed outside, or found out it's defective. The envelop where the money used to be was there, empty. My parents' cabinet got ransacked, too--well, they wouldn't really find anything that valuable there.


Fuck, you start living a little better and these bad people are ready to pounce on you like you deserve it...NOW I'm feeling the anger...

October & November 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Sorry, I was busy with life. You know how time-consuming that could be. But here are two months' worth of "report".

Do click on the images, please. ;)

October 2016 RECAP

 

 

 

November 2016 RECAP

 

Rain, rain, go away....

I am tired of my own personal dramas.

I hate dragging people to my own problems. I used to solve problems by myself as much as possible. But now...Asking for help has somewhat become so embarrassing. Humiliating. Humbling, yes, but it still makes me feel like I am humiliating myself.

People used to say I am strong. I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe I am just someone who has no choice.

I don't want help. No, I don't mean that in a proud, superior-feeling kind of way. I just want to be independent. I want to be the one to give help, not really ask for it.

The thing is, I don't want it, but I need it. That is the reality. And almost everyday these past years, I put myself in a position where people can ridicule me either to my face or behind my back, neither one better than the other. And I hate that some kind of rub my face in it, or give me the run-around when all the while they intend to sayno, or even make me almost beg for it. Some people even go out of their way to make sure I stay down.

But I endure all that for my family. Because this is where He has thrust me.

Somebody reminded me that He has something bigger in store for me. But I am not concerned about Me. I am concerned about My Family. I pray and pray and pray for my husband, for my kids, for my sister, for her family. All the people I love are suffering. How can I keep telling them He has bigger things in store for us?

I just tell them all these shall past. But it's always a hard pill to swallow when you're hurting...

September 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Okay, drama over!!!

I just realized that I have not shared this yet. So here's a link to it :)

September 2016 RECAP

Moms, we are with you…

It’s also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, did you know? I didn’t, until I stumbled upon Ashley Anderson‘s article last Friday.  Now you know what that means to me, so I won’t delve much into it. I do want to express my deep sorrow through her words.

Our experiences were different, but we were on the same boat. And now, we’re learning to swim, maybe in a different way, too, but we’re both surviving in our own ways. The way a lot of mothers who were on the same boat as well are coping with life.

To our fellow moms, I only have to say that we must strive to enjoy life every day, enjoy even the tiniest bit of things. And never, ever lose hope…

Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Awareness Month

 

It isn't just a month for me. It doesn't seem like I am grieving, but I am grieving everyday...

Cuts Like a Knife

Got a major headache. Literally and figuratively speaking. Feels like a knife through my head (and heart).

The thing is, most won't care if I tell them directly why. I mean, they don't even ask why. I even actually tell them why, but...

Do you know what it feels like to consider people as friends, and then the first time you ask for help, they act like they haven't seen your message and don't say a thing? Not just for days...weeks! It's not even just the positive answer I am waiting for. I am waiting for acknowledgment, for any answer, even if they say no.

I don't want to be a nitpicker, or maybe matampuhin (someone who feels bad towards others just because they say no). I will understand if they have problems of their own. But to be ignored? That seriously sends a silent message: you're not really considered a friend, even when they say you are and even tell you "Miss you."

Some even call you "BFF", but treat you like trash they don't want to look at. Suddenly, they don't tag you in their posts or LIKE any of yours, like you've got the plague. Then you realize, that forwarded message supposedly for "BFFs"? They were also probably sent to all on their contact lists. So you aren't really anything to them except an annoying contact who has the gall to bother them and ask for help.

I'm just thinking, what if their helping  me would spell the difference between life and death? Truth is, it's kind of like that already, in a way. What if I died, would they say, "Oh, okay. So sorry for her", then they would go on with their lives not really feeling anything?

I'm just saying, you know, that is not how you treat friends. Or anyone, for that matter. Would a simple "I'm sorry, I can't help you" eat too much of your time?

It's ironic that people who aren't exactly your friends, whom you haven't been acquainted with that long, sometimes, they're the ones to ask if you're okay and offer time to listen to you and to pray for you. God bless them.

And thank you to those who don't give a care. At least, I know who you are. God bless you, too. I'm not mad. But yes, it hurts like you just killed me.

Life going on 3

People are becoming depressed. The worst part of all is you are their common denominator. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

However to rid of the problem...?

Life going on 2

The worse part of trying to smoke away your worries or to get drunk is you can't--you hate the taste and smoke of cigarettes and you have no money to buy beer.  

Life going on

Life goes on. That should be the plan.

Sometimes, unfortunately.

The trouble with leaving is that you still have to worry about those you are leaving behind.

July & August 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

You don't know it yet (because this blog probably has no followers yet, ha!), but I missed updating MoCCA for weeks. So I thought I'd do a two-in-one shot here to give you my #MonthlyRecap of what's been going on in my other, more popular (popular? ha!) blog over at WordPress. Well, to give you the links is more like it.

Read for yourselves how much different my two months went!

July 2016 Recap

August 2016 Recap

September's almost over. Just wait till I tell you the new stuff ;)

Since no one's going to read this...

...I think I can say with all honesty that I am sad. I just have to let it out. With all my trying to be positive, I have to tell you, I am a mess inside.

I bring the burden of the world with me, from my family, to my country, to the world. And it sucks 'cause I can only do so much. I don't even feel sad for myself, really, except when it comes to my babies whom I never got to hold.

It does not help that I often make the wrong decisions, however well-intentioned, however well I think I plan, however smart I think my ideas are at the time. Then they go blowing--exploding!--on my face. I feel sad especially if I cause others to be sad, especially not my loved ones.

I try to make things right, to work, but sometimes, somehow, I still end up like an idiot.

Things have not been alright for the longest time. I don't even have the heart to wish for the chance to bring back the time. Why? Because I don't want to make mistakes again., maybe not the same, but the outcome will most probably be wrong just the same...

*SIGH*

Okay, I'm okay now. Such is life. We move on. I move on.

Interview with This Vampire

Well, just finished answering a set of questions earlier, maybe more than an hour ago, and it's just (already!) 4am. Met a blogger who is doing a set of interviews with regards to love and relationships. I unwittingly managed to put myself in a position where I'm to share my own story. I didn't expect it, really, but I have to say I felt okay sharing myself. My answers were quite long, in fact, so I leave it to him to do the necessary editing.

Was I honest in my answers? Of course. Did I leave out anything? Absolutely. There are just some more private things that should remain private. Even when this blog was still in Multiply and on private mode, I still took care of what I wrote about. Let's face it, blogs aren't so private unless you keep out everybody but yourself.

Will provide a link when posted.

*********************************************

~ ~ ~ tumbleweed...~ ~ ~

 

Aaaand...here is the link, as promised: MAHIRAP BANG MAGING NBSB? ELABORATE. It's cut in two parts so just start there.

ABOUT THIS BLOG & ME

From THE END JUSTIFIES THE JOURNEY

I actually created an About This Blog page here, but for some reason, I can't simply find it unless I go to the dashboard or simply type in the link. I'm really still not that familiar with Blogger. I don't find it that user-friendly, which was what initially turned me off and made me decide not to go public with this before.  

But now that it's live, of course, it needs an intro of sorts for wandering visitors that may happen to drop by. I mean, this blog just seems like it just sprouted without a proper hello.

So okay, to first let you know, this is ME at right. That's from my WordPress. As said there, if you want to find out more about me, just check out my ABOUT J.Gi page. (I'll do you a favor and just provide a link, so just click on those words *wink!*)

As for what this blog is about, this is the ABOUT MoCCa page I created for you. I would post it here, but I like how it's presented there :)

Now that we're better-acquainted, I hope you'll like the stuff you'll get to read here. It's a more personal blog than the other. You can check out which you'd like to follow (or follow both!!!), I won't mind. This one is really sort of still under construction because I'm going through years-old blogposts. If that confuses you, I suggest you read the MoCCa page...

Thanks for the visit!!!!



 

June 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Hi, guys! As said HERE, I have just found this Blogspot account again. There's an update to explain what I am doing here. That said, I am sharing to you my first--well, second--official Blogspot post, which is ironically, a recap of how my June 2016 had been.

It basically tells about my WordPress activities and Wattpad, so I should really just share a link rather than create duplicate pages. Here is my June 2016 Recap. Please feel free to browse there. Please feel free to come back here as well. I will be populating this place with new as well as "old" posts.

Have a nice Monday!!!

Add caption

I Tried

I tried the wrong way and, of course, I got burned.

 I tried the right way and it fizzled, no matter how I fanned what little imaginary flame there was. 

Yes, Lord, I know: "This is all there is to it so quit thinking otherwise."

Gryn Wasabi's Sushi

Rating:	★★★★
Category:	Other

Okay, I'm not exactly an expert on sushi or sashimi or maki, but I do love eating those. So far, I haven't died from mercury-poisoning yet ;p

That aside, I really recommend Gryn Wasabi Sushi Bar. Why? Lemme start with the How.

It was my officemate's -- Kti's -- birthday on May 7 and mine was to be on the 11th. To make the story short, we decided to share in the expenses and, by my suggestion, we thought of treating the office to a package-order of sushi, for the sake of veering away from the usual stuff. Good thing was Kti remembered the sushi ordered by a friend before that only cost P450+ per package, with 80+ pieces already! Comparing it to better- known "brands" offering as many pieces, we more or less saved half of our money! Sure, we're cheapskates (LOL), but we're wise cheapskates *wink*...So needless to say, I got to order.

It was a really good buy, so to speak. I ordered mixed sushi (which was mixed maki and sushi really...I did wish for a sashimi) and it didn't prove to be of low-quality, even given the price. In fact, I loved that unlike most sushi's I've tried before, theirs didn't crumble at the slightest pinch of the chopsticks or pierce of the fork or scoop of the spoon even. Looking at the bilao, you'd think you've been had, but no, start counting and the number does reach 80+ (well, with some simply crab or whatever-seafood-they-were pieces).

Delivery was just on time, I think, and the presentation? Lovely, as you can see from the photo here. You've got a BIG mound of wasabi in the middle, too. Hotta-hotta!

If you want to order a family- or office-size sushi package then, I recommend Gryn Wasabi Sushi Bar. Nope, I am not affiliated with them. I don't have a friendworking there. And I'm not earning anything from this endorsing. Just sharing.

One minus-factor, though, is they don't have a website where you can view what they offer and see pics. The good thing is, they do have a Facebook account. I don't really like LIKE-ing pages that much, so don't expect a LIKE click from me.But I do like them. Another minus-factor, too, though, is I don't think they have big enough images presented in Facebook. In fact, my other officemates wanted to order something else from them but there were no big enough images to visually show what they offer. So no more new orders, thank you very much.

And so, if you find yourself in the mood for some Japanese food, think Gryn :)

At least

It's April. One year after I began. It really started as an experiment, but who am I really kidding, really? 

It has gone on long enough and yet, here I am. I began my goodbyes a few months back and it's been alright enough. But some goodbyes have been too hard to give. One goodbye, I've done over and over and yet I come back. This time, I hope it's for real. The last goodbye, I don't know if it's coming soon. Or at least, I'm just delaying the inevitable. 

My friend says that at least, I went through it. I really am not sure if I should be that grateful. But then, I got that advice from someone with a more whacked sense. She also says that at least I've made some people happy. Well, that is my only consolation. At least, it's what they know and I have to say that I, indeed, sincerely wanted them to be happy, made efforts even, because I am that kind of person.

It's been only a year but why do I feel like it's been several years already? What a phase it's been. 

When I finally say my last goodbye, I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna miss them. But I have to.

I have to. 

NOT LATE!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, 

EVERYONE!!!!

Nope, it's not a late greeting. 

Across the globe, the day 

is practically just beginning. 

For us here, well, 

we know that celebrations

 usually start after work, hee...

Have a nice one guys!!!