I am tired of my own personal dramas.
I hate dragging people to my own problems. I used to solve problems by myself as much as possible. But now...Asking for help has somewhat become so embarrassing. Humiliating. Humbling, yes, but it still makes me feel like I am humiliating myself.
People used to say I am strong. I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe I am just someone who has no choice.
I don't want help. No, I don't mean that in a proud, superior-feeling kind of way. I just want to be independent. I want to be the one to give help, not really ask for it.
The thing is, I don't want it, but I need it. That is the reality. And almost everyday these past years, I put myself in a position where people can ridicule me either to my face or behind my back, neither one better than the other. And I hate that some kind of rub my face in it, or give me the run-around when all the while they intend to sayno, or even make me almost beg for it. Some people even go out of their way to make sure I stay down.
But I endure all that for my family. Because this is where He has thrust me.
Somebody reminded me that He has something bigger in store for me. But I am not concerned about Me. I am concerned about My Family. I pray and pray and pray for my husband, for my kids, for my sister, for her family. All the people I love are suffering. How can I keep telling them He has bigger things in store for us?
I just tell them all these shall past. But it's always a hard pill to swallow when you're hurting...
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