Just say sorry...I think...

May 11. She sent me a text message. "Ate Gi, Happy Birthday! I know we didn't part ways well. But I would like to say I'm sorry, if ever you're mad at me and if ever I wronged you. For me, you're still the godmother of my baby."

I used to say that it's really easy to make me forgive people, if they knew. Just say sorry and I'd forgive them instantly. But this time, I don't know if I'm ready to do that. A part of my hard heart melted, yes, but a bigger part wasn't, isn't, ready. I cannot simply forgive someone who refuses to believe that she did do me wrong and sugar-coats her apologies with if-ever's to give the illusion that she has no idea whatsoever. It's like saying the problem actually lay on me alone.

Really, if she didn't use her if-ever's and simply said, "I'm sorry for doing you wrong", I could've accepted the apology right there and then. So, I gave her a general reply to greeters: "Thank you for all your greetings, friends." I would have added the truth, that I would never, ever take it out on her innocent kid. But then, if I did, we would have to start being chummy again and I didn't want that. I didn't want to be "plastic" and act like all was well between us.

Somebody advised me to yes, just forgive her. But the truth was I did try. Last Holy Week. I told myself I would forgive those who hurt me. Yet, when it came to her, I couldn't. So this was what being betrayed feels like! So I told my adviser to give me time, that it's easier this way that I'm far from that someone so that in time, I could learn to forgive.

But right now, they would all have to wait until I do.

A WEEK IN THIS BUM'S LIFE

Well, so far, not much luck with the job-hunting. Sometimes, I'm tempted to scream, "What is wrong with me?????!!!!!!!!!" But seriously. Anyway, my room is a mess. No kidding. Because I've been going through some old stuff, getting rid of things I don't want anymore. I'm actually glad to find myself having outgrown many things that I can finally let go of them.

At the same time, while ransacking everything, I've been amusing myself by reading some of the stories and "novelettes" I wrote when I was younger. I get amused because of the wrong grammar, the loopholes that I never noticed before, and basically, the shallowness of the stories. But I keep them because they remind me of how I've evolved as a writer. Plus, I can get some ideas from them, too. Some of the stuff I re-discovered are those that I've kept as notes and references for future use.

As I mess with the room, the actual plan is to clean it up and re-decorate for the nth time. Which would make you laugh if you'll see the state it is in right now. It's taking me long because of the re-reading, the goings-through, the cleaning, etcetera. I'm trying to get rid of a lot of junk which were not junk at all even months ago! Also, trying to arrange stuff according to what they are and what they are supposed to be for. Once in a while, I move and clean some things in the living room to make it more presentable.

Aside from this messy activity, I watch TV and, once in a while, some flicks. As I still couldn't watch Phantom of the Opera in the movie house alone, I borrowed somebody else's copy...AARRGGHH!!! I've been had!!!! It had the cover of the new P.O.T.O., but the movie was actually another version done just a few years ago, non-musical. Sheesh!!!! That was why I kept waiting for more singing and waiting for familiar songs. That was why I never saw Andrew Lloyd Webber's name, nor Minnie Driver's, nor the other casts'. And that was why it was very gory!...Shoot.

Anyway, last Wednesday, I went to my high school friend's house. She was back from the States after, I think, more than five years. We were not able to talk much, sadly. Still, it was a surprise that of all the things she could really tell her other friends who were also there about me was, "She's the girl who used to write 'books' when we were in high school." I think I blushed. Then her sister, whom I never knew read my stuff before, told me to share more to them. Really, it did something good for my ego a bit. Well, I did promise to share, so I will.

My friend also gave me something that I won't forget. Actually, prior to going to her house, I did something nice for somebody else. What my friend did only made me believe more that kindness does have its rewards. In my case, one act of kindness was returned to me a thousand fold, literally.

Okay, that's it so far. A week in this bum's life!

SELF-STUDY

Test the Wind

To test the wind
I must learn to fly,
but clip my wingsand my dreams shall die.

My wings spread out
for me to see
what plans has God
laid out for me.


Copyright © 2004 J.Gi Federizo


For two consecutive nights now, I have stayed up really late doing solo workshops - just me, myself, and I. I have been teaching myself and updating my knowledge on more computer graphics stuff. Basically, I‘m the teacher and the student.

You see, I have noticed that some companies are looking for graphic artists. Most of the time, they need people who are proficient, at least, in Corel Draw and Adobe.As computer graphics are really my interests and as I have background in several different programs (due to the nature of my last job), I have been sending out resumes.

However, “proficient” isn’t really the right word to call me as of now that is why I‘m studying stuff so that if ever I get interviewed or be made to take some qualifying tests, maybe I‘ll have more chance. So far, I‘m just proficient in Powerpoint, Photodraw, Paint, and Publisher, and companies aren’t really keen on those. I know a bit about Corel Draw 8.0 and Adobe Pagmaker 6.5, so now I‘m studying more advanced versions. Still need to explore, too, the Printmaster 10 thingy.

Now, to some, these maybe amateurish already, but that’s what I am, an amateur. But since that seems enough for some companies, I‘m trying my luck.

Would’ve also applied for video editor positions. However, I only know linear editing as that’s what I had been doing for years due to the “old” editing machine available. During the basic video production workshop I attended before, however, we did a bit of non-linear editing. I guess I will brush up on that soon. I only have the primitive Adobe Premiere 5.0, though, but at least, I know how things should go, I know the principles to follow .

Non-graphic positions aside, I‘ve brought from home old college notes and hand-outs to familiarize me again with journalism and editing (as I‘ve learned a lesson from a recent experience). I also plan on familarizing myself with I.T. terms (also because of that experience). And – oh! - gotta ask my friend how she found out her actual typing speed. Companies actually inquire about that.

As for my true love – writing – all I can really do is cross my fingers. It seems my chances are rather slim. It seems my background isn’t enough to “back” me up.

So far.

*SMILING*

Well, today, I woke up really late. Why wouldn't I? I spent the night (and dawn) reading about schizophrenia and sociopathy and...well, you get the idea. Good news: I'm not schizophrenic. Not yet, anyway :D

Met a friend I haven't really seen for quite a while. She said something, a praise, which I feel I didn't deserve, but what the heck? It felt good. She treated me for lunch (brunch, on my part).

Lastly, I finally had more time to catch up on many past posts here :)

I'm smiling. Maybe shallow reasons. But I'm smiling anyway :)

"PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL"

Well, that's what it said when I opened my e-mail. Private, my foot, I'm sharing this:

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Li'l Dove Feather,

We refer to your application for the position of Copy Editor.

We have given your application further consideration and regret to inform you that we have decided to move on to another candidate whose experience and qualifications best meet the requirements of the job on hand.

Although we cannot pursue your application on this occasion, please allow us to keep your details for further reference. We hope to call on you should another work opportunity arise in the near future.

We would like to thank you for your interest in the position and for taking the time to see us. May we also take this opportunity to wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Regards,
Sender

Oh, well, I did not expect to make it, anyway. In fact, I would be surprised if they decided to get me. The moment that I tried filling up their application forms when I was there and couldn't understand some stuff, I already had a feeling. Then I took the qualifying tests which I could've done better if I went there more prepared. I thought I was prepared. Served me right.

Also, I'm not sure I'd like to work there, anyway. The stuff I edited were too technical for me (not to mention, boring) and the last part of the tests made me laugh because I almost couldn't answer a freakin' thing!!! Too technical. But, of course, even so, it still would have been nice if I passed them. Oh, well, at least now, I have an idea on what to prepare on next time :)

I'm baaaaaccckkkkk!!!!

Just got back this afternoon in Manila. Hadn't been here of an hour yet when my friend Jenny said there was going to be volleyball practice.

So, because I wasn't prepared, I played wearing 3/4-long sleeves, slacks that I had to keep rolling up again and again because they were long and I could trip, and bare-footed since I couldn't use my non-rubber shoes (heck, they're not even allowed to step on the NBA-inspired court! It's rubber shoes or bust!)...

So yeah, it was a very nice evening. I hurt a toe for some reason I don't know, and it bled a little, but yeah, it was worth it :)

I think I should keep on playing sports or going to the gym (for free, he he) just so I could become more fit (not saying I am already...I so am not so I really need to shape up). Before I left home, I tried on some old clothes and was surprised they fit well enough again. And here I was worried that I probably got bigger due to the practically sedentary life I had been living while at home. Just goes to show that we can't be right all the time. After the game, we even saw somebody we knew and he said I looked thinner...Yey!!!!...Yeah, vanity, but hey, cut me some slack, okay?...LOL!!!!!!!

One really good thing about slacking at home - I don't have dark circles around my eyes anymore. I still slept late, but I had more sleep time :) Still, kids, don't try this at home! :D

Anyway, I wasn't surprised anymore to find that I have lots of posts to catch up on again. I'm not complaining, of course. I really would like to read ALL of them. Now that I'm back here, I'll be able to catch up again.

But, of course, my main goal is to find a job. My problem is, always, either I'm under-qualified, over-qualified, or not qualified at all :( Not losing hope, though. I'm not a quitter!

A funny thing...I found out that my sister is also planning on resigning. She's not in good terms with her boss and based on the stories I've heard, I can see why...Ha ha!!! She's my sister, alright!!!

...Toodles!!!!

Faces That I Love To Hate!

LOL!!!! Just wanted to "share" some Filipina faces that I have come to love and hate looking at. Love, because I find them very beautiful. Hate, because, hey, I want those!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Below are some sites.

Amanda Griffin (Filipino-British)
I really like her because not only is she very pretty, she's also versatile and business-minded. A go-getter... http://www.amandagriffin.com/

Heart Evangelista (Filipino-Chinese, or Chinoy)
Very Chinoy looking. I find her very pretty. I just like looking at her. Period. She has yet to outgrow her tweetums phase. Too saccarinish (did I spell that right?).
http://heart.pinoycentral.com/

Donita Rose (Filipino-American)
I have always liked her. Versatile and fun, too :)
http://www.donitarose.com

There's also this other Filipina beauty that I like/hate looking at now, Juliana Palermo. She looks very Filipina! Can't post photo of her, though, since everytime I search for pics of her, I end up with - uh - not so wholesome shots, he he...Search for yourself, if you want!



UPDATE (August 2017): Either my taste or they changed. I do still like Donita for being Donita. And I haven't seen Amanda in ages. This list should've included Angel Aquino. She's so classic!...I'll not start by enumerating the new faces I've come to like, though. 

*sigh*

I had wanted to give someone "a taste of his own medicine". I actually started and got what I was first looking for. But then I realized I can never really be evil. I could'nt take revenge. It wasn't really for revenge, but just to teach a lesson, but hey, who was I kidding? So I decided to stop it there. Then I got the surprise of my life!

And now, I don't exactly know what to do...I guess, maybe, it's over and done with. So again, as always, I move on...




UPDATE (August 2017): I have zero idea now what this was about, who it was supposed to be.  But one thing that hasn't really changed about me is I'm not one to take revenge. Doesn't really mean I don't try (I'm not an angel), but when it comes to exacting one, I'm a wimp. Not scared of the other party, no. Just scared of being becoming bad, know what I mean? I'm not perfect. I get angry. I'm not above cursing at times. But taking revenge is something else entirely.

AGENDA while I'm at home:

1. Take care of my dad.
2. Exercise!!!!
3. Write, write, write!!!!
4. Keep house
5. Give someone a taste of own medicine...(bwahahaaaa!!!!)

Videoke Queen and King!

As I said in my previous post, I went to my aunt's house to join the merry-making. Later, they would not let me leave and told me to spend the night there for there would be singing. Sure enough, at around 6 p.m., her sister-in-law (SIL), SIL's husband, and some men set up a videoke machine right in front of the house! They also set up a table for a drinking session (why there should always be drinking sessions, I don't quite get...Okay, I do, but I don't quite approve).

My cousin started singing a series of songs. She had a very nice voice that I never knew she had before. Then the men sang. After an hour of trying not to, I sang also, choosing The Journey and then, Superwoman. Might as well enjoy if I had to stay there...OMG, I had butterflies in my stomach!!! I have sang several times in public before (some friends have forced me to sing for them during their weddings), but always, ALWAYS, I got an attack of stage fright!

Anyway, the machine kept giving away high scores and was obviously rigged, but stupid machine wouldn't even grant me a 100% score! Finally, after several attempts, when I sang the song Don't Cry Joni (yeah, really old song, but I love it anyway) and did both the male and female voices, it granted my wish, LOL!!!! So that was all I needed to do: just show my multiple personalities!!! Ha ha!!!

I gained a sort of fan, though. Another guest kept watching mr while I sang. He would sing and clap, then he laughed, especially when I did that Joni song. He was a funny guy (well, as far as I could tell, unless that was just all for show), and quite cute, I might add ;p I had to keep a straight face and pretend that I didn't notice him looking.

I started telling myself I was just being silly and feeling-era (feels like she is something more that she really is). I was near believing it except he approached me, leaned down to where I sat, and asked me in such giddy fashion, eye-to-eye, to find the song Gusto Kita (I Like You). Good thing it was a bit dark where I sat or people would've seen me blushing. I gave him the number code using a matter-of-fact tone just to hide my surprised expression. Then he kept doing ad libs, giving little hints as he sang three romantic songs. I just sang along as if I didn't notice anything about it, pretending to be clueless.

I guess he really had no choice than to flirt with me instead, LOL!!! Why not? Look at the candidates: my much-older aunt, the lesbian good singer cousin, my aunt's married SIL, my other cousin who was very-married and Very-married Cousin's friend who kept quiet the whole night and was no fun at all. Then there was me. Ergo, no choice but me, I tell ya :D Lucky me!

Unfortunately, his already-drunk cousin came and joined us. Drunk Cousin (DC) kept announcing and teasing me that I was a snob because I kept snobbing him when I lived there. Long story, but he was exaggerating, plus he did deserve it. DC kept irritating me before because he wanted to talk, I didn't. My aunt didn't want him around either.

Anyway, DC's comments probably bothered the cute guy (his name was Jonathan, I found out) because he didn't even ask for my number :( When they cleaned up the place,  I was left with DC still needling me, talking about a lot of nonsense.

Oh, well, in life, there really are people you have to meet once in a lifetime...But I could really strangle that stupid drunk! Grrrr!!!!!!!!