Scared him?...Maybe not...

Him: I didn't want to talk about myself because I was afraid I'd disappoint you. I'm sorry...

Me: Hay naku!...How will I know if you're not going to tell me anything?

Him: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry...I'm really still single... (note: that was one of my questions)

Me: But did you answer YES to all of my questions?

Him: Yes, of course!...Now what did you want to know about me?

Not verbatim, of course, especially since most of our messages were in Filipino, but that was how it went. One of my questions before was "Are you a positive-thinker?", so when he gave me that "Yes, of course" reply, I just bit my tongue. He was afraid I'd be disappointed. Oh, yes, such positive-thinking!

Okay, when I talked about me hating negativity before, I hope I didn't offend anyone who's been struggling with his/her own demons. I know that everyone has his/her own issues in life, including myself. That is why I want a positive force to balance things out. I just hate it that this potential - uh - love (still can't say it naturally), if he does have potential, has more issues to grind than I do and appears to hate his life. I hope I'll be proven wrong in time, I really do.

In one of our conversations, I had asked him "How will you know if you don't act on it?" He stated this famous Filipino saying: "Kung di uukol, di bubukol." Translation: "If it isn't meant to be, there won't be any bumps." Well, it doesn't sound that good when translated literally, but it only means that if something isn't meant to be, it won't ever happen. It is really a good analogy. Unfortunately, it wasn't positive-thinking at all, given our topic.

So this was my reply: "But sometimes, you have to take the risk, even it means falling down and hitting your head, to be able to get that bump. Or else, if you simply stay safe and do nothing, you also get nothing." Probably doesn't sound nice in English, too, but you get the idea. He did, too, and agreed. Yet, getting the idea and actually acting on it are two entirely different things.

Still, I let it drop. If he's still this interested after all the things I said (though tactfully) -- things that could have hurt his already bruised ego, things that could've landed me in his hate-list if he had one -- then he must be worth another try. I give him credit for that, at least. Maybe that's positive-thinking enough.

Maybe he sees me as a kind of challenge. He did say he wanted someone who would not be saying yes to him every time, who could control him. Certainly, as he now knows, I'm no push-over, and while I don't intend to be a control-freak, I speak my mind out. He liked that in me, he told me so before...So now, I'm thinking, boy, this guy's a masochist!!!! LOL!!!!!

Masochist or not, he's free to try once more. And me, I'm not closing my door on him. But, my door isn't open for him alone. As of now, until I make any final decision, he must wait and bear it. And if he can't take the heat,...what's that they say? "Then get out of the kitchen!"

I may have scared him away...

"Please, don't expect too much. Having a relationship isn't my priority right now."

That's what I told him at the start. And I still actually stand by that. He insisted anyway, so I let him try his "luck" because of the ever-perennial question: What if...? So even when there were things that went/go against him -- one, he couldn't have helped anyway -- I let him try to get to know me. He still wants to, I know, and it's interesting that he does. In fact, I'm amazed that he does!

Yet, one thing that I cannot tolerate is negativity.

As I had told him before, I want a positive-thinker so that when I'm feeling negative, he can help me turn around and smile and think better of the situation. What I didn't include to say was, "I don't want a negative person because I do not want someone who will pull me down." But I have been studying his responses and the way I see it, he may have a lot of emotional baggage in his life.

Well, most people do, but they do not let that affect their whole lives. I honestly can't say for now that he is like that, but how will I know if he doesn't want to share? All we talk about is ME. I told him he was being unfair.

I am a bit mad because of that. I want to know what he thinks, how he really is. But he's just so jolly asking about my day. How does he expect me to make a decision? How, especially when I sense that he is insecure of what I am, who I am? At the start, I let him know already about myself, even the negative stuff, so he could decide already if he would pursue me. Still, he did...

Shoot. I wouldn't exactly mind if I would feel insecure about whoever's going to be my other half since I can handle that, but I didn't expect it to be the other way around. In the long run, this might complicate matters. I've heard of situations like this, and they're never pretty. Oh, yes, I have this romantic notion in my head that maybe I'll be the one who'll help him be a better person...Yeah, right. I cannot just wait around and see. Here's another what if : What if he doesn't?

So the other night, after I finally got the response to a test I put him through (I made him jealous, so sue me), I was okay, until he clammed up and said to talk about himself would be boring so better not. That's when I said he was being unfair. The next day, it was like nothing happened and he asked if we could go out. I told him this: "I don't know. We might not have nothing to talk about since I can't ask about you." He didn't answer.

So today, I sent him a message. Maybe an ultimatum. There were questions answerable only by yes or no (example: Are you a positive-thinker? Do you really like me not because you just want to have someone?). Then I told him, if he answers YES to all of them, then I will go out with him. If he answers NO to anyone of them, then we better stop everything. So far, he hasn't said a word. I had told him that if I don't receive a reply, then it's okay. I know the answer.


The day isn't over yet (or maybe he's still in the process of deciding). But if he doesn't answer, I really won't mind. I do not really want to waste my time with someone who thinks that his life is such a waste. I don't like wallowing in waste.

Maybe you're thinking why, when I obviously like him enough to bother write about him? You're right, I like him enough, but at this point in time -- no, at any point in time -- when it comes to love, I don't settle for "enough". I know "perfect" is impossible, so I'm just aspiring for at least, "better". If he doesn't prove to be that, then it doesn't matter if I lose him.

Do I love him? No, not yet, maybe never. I'm more in love with the idea of being in love. I wouldn't want to short-change him either. I will love him when I feel that I do. Right now, I don't, and he will do well to make more effort and not pity himself all the time just because he thinks he's smaller than I am. I just think everyone deserves to be loved.

__________________________________________________________________

P.S. He just sent me a message just now saying sorry for not replying earlier (hmmn, must be ESP). Have yet to talk about it so sorry for the suspense...

Many things to say...

...but not in the mood to say them. In fact, I'm more in the mood to read other people's posts. And I've got a lot of catching up to do. Not that anybody's requiring me, it's just myself requiring myself.

I wish I had more time in my hands. So let me just enumerate what had been on my mind today:

1. The qualifying exams I just took.
2. Somebody.
3. Why I said the Turtle result in one of the quizzes I posted reminded me of high school (someone asked, nyehee!)

All worth different posts.

Later.

Finally!!!!

After two months, I have finally done it...Last Sunday evening, I finally told my mother I resigned! Yeah, yeah, it took me this long, so sue me.

I really didn't have the heart to tell her...Wait. I did have the heart not to tell her during Christmas and as the year was about to change. Didn't want to dampen her spirits. Not that I was scared she would get angry because I knew she wouldn't. I just did not want her to worry about me. Besides, she was always sick the whole holiday season. Needless to say, last week, I let her believe I was working!

Well, I was, sort of. I had been doing unfinished business. Also sent out applications through e-mail last Friday, even when my credentials were sometimes not enough to complete their requirements. I scrimped on food to save money. Honestly think I lost several, if not a lot, of pounds.

Anyway, I was just simply scared and when I finally told her, for some reason, I started to cry, and I was thinking, "Hey, idiot, why the heck are you crying?!!!!" I really did not know why. I guess I was just letting out all the pent up emotions that I kept all these weeks. My mother was composed throughout the whole confession and told me that that is life, that there will be something better...Whew!!!! I just told her to please not worry about me...Now, about my father, I don't have to tell him anything. Sometimes, he even thinks I'm still in school! LOL!!!!

The next day, I stayed home in the province and got a text message from one of those companies I applied to. I was informed about qualifying exams for the position of Copy Editor and could I please reply to the number or call this certain other number to confirm. So I did and that made my day. I'm not sure if I will pass, actually, as I'm at a point where I can only think positive, but not be sure just the same. I'll just try my best.

Meanwhile, today, I met with my former boss, ate lunch with her and some of her former students, and talked till 8 p.m. She gave me lots of advice and asked me to give her my resume because she has lots of contacts. I also informed her that I am going to try and apply for the English/Filipino Writer position in a popular publication. She told me to really do so. Her friend works there and she knows they are actually starting several other publications. Her brother also works for a TV station and she told me she'll see. She also told me to try the other TV stations.

You know, talking to her really made me a bit braver, knowing that there maybe more jobs for me out there. If I can't find any, I will try working for a call center for a while. Why not? That is so in right now, and there are lots of centers looking for agents, plus they pay very well. However, call center or not, I will still continue looking for a job I will truly like, even if it pays much less. Life is not all about money, after all.

HERE'S TO BROADWAY!!!

http://herebroadway.multiply.com/
This is the group I created months ago. So far, we only have very few members (seven, he he he). My fault as I haven't 'advertised' it yet, so now, I am. So if you're interested, whoever you are, come and join us. I promise to make it interesting!

If you also have hi5 accounts, I have the a group of the same name there, too. That one's a bit more established now.

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UPDATE (March 8, 2017): This page is, of course, non-existent now. I lost everything that was there, I think. I have only created a page on my WordPress titled HERE'S TO BROADWAY!!! as well. It's not a group anymore...Then again, and I honestly just thought about it now, maybe I'll create a new blog to create a new community of theatre lovers! We'll see...

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Really Useful Group

The Really Useful Group

 

The site for - you guessed it - Andrew Lloyd Webber and his numerous musicals. Lots of info you can gather. Better if you become a member for you'll have more access to pictures, post reviews of the musicals (whether for stage or film), listen to sample music, be updated on present productions or new projects, shop for recordings or movies of the musicals, even request to be given license to perform any ALW work (believe me, you can contact them as I did before).

Just make sure you read the terms and abide by them.

Dreams Journal

This is not my dream journal but it looks so nice, 'no? Click on it to read the original post

Yep, I started one last night, writing about the dreams I had for the past two nights. I figured I should for me to be able to analyze them better. But basically, I just want to remember them because I find my dreams often amusing and entertaining. More amusing are the people who become part of them, like actors/actresses that I don't personally know, even those I don't even like or hate. I also love mentioning when I see color. It's really rather frequent that I see at least one color, I realize.

Most of my dreams really do not make sense but last night, I was able to interpret three out of the five dreams I wrote down in the journal. As for last night, I know I had a dream, woke up, made a mental note to remember it, but now, I've forgotten. I also seemed to have a peaceful sleep because I woke up all relaxed and earlier than usual. Tried to sleep again but my body was rarin' to go.

But anyway, I'll see what my dreams have yet to churn out...

Yikes!

I went to the "Messages" section of my account but when I tried to open some posts, Multiply said they either did not exist anymore or the owners hid them. So before I allowed myself to feel down, I checked my contacts. Luckily, they have not ejected me. I guess Multiply is just not working right. I hope everything gets repaired, though.

"SA UGOY NG DUYAN" (with English translation)

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Music
Genre:	Other
Artist:	Lucio San Pedro/Levi Celerio

I do not know how to classify this. It is classical for me, but it hardly classifies as such in international standards. It maybe folk or maybe country.

The song Ugoy ng Duyan, literally translated to "the swaying of the hammock", was composed by Lucio San Pedro and the lyrics were by Levi Celerio, both National Artists whose memories will live on long after their death in 2003. More than a year ago, I saw an article about this song. It was actually made while one of the artists (or maybe both) were traveling by water and they/he had the inspiration as they/he felt the lulling of the waves.

What is the song about? Mainly, it is the love and longing a child feels for his mother who has either been long gone, or still alive but, you know, one really misses the simplest times in his life. It is deep and moving and, if you're the mushy type, may make you want to cry...

However, my research before brought me to the discovery that the song is not only about the mother-and-child relationship, but is rather more of the nationalistic nature. Still, it is not the nationalistic part that gets to a lot of people, but the mother-and-child bonding that makes you want to go back to those good ol' days.

Different artists have recorded the song, most recently Regine Velasquez, Lea Salonga, and Aiza Seguerra. Find them and compare, if you have the time.

Below are the lyrics. After it is the translation I made. I didn't make it so literal so as not to make it too corny or maybe even cheap. I also shortened it and made it as a poem so that it wouldn't sound very repetitive:


SA UGOY NG DUYAN

Sana'y di nagmaliw ang dati kong araw
Nang munti pang bata sa piling ni Nanay
Nais kong maulit ang awit ni Inang mahal
Awit ng pag-ibig habang ako'y nasa duyan

Sana'y di nagmaliw ang dati kong araw
Nang munti pang bata sa piling ni Nanay
Nais kong maulit ang awit ni Inang mahal
Awit ng pag-ibig habang ako'y nasa duyan

Refrain:

Sa aking pagtulog na labis ang himbing
Ang bantay ko'y tala, ang tanod ko'y bituin
Sa piling ni Nanay, langit ay buhay
Puso kong may dusa sabik sa ugoy ng duyan.

Sana'y di nagmaliw ang dati kong araw
Nang munti pang bata sa piling ni Nanay
Nais kong maulit ang awit ni Inang mahal
Awit ng pag-ibig habang ako'y nasa duyan.

Sa aking pagtulog na labis ang himbing
Ang bantay ko'y tala, ang tanod ko'y bituin
Sa piling ni Nanay, langit ay buhay
Puso kong may dusa sabik sa ugoy ng duyan.

Nais kong matulog sa dating duyan ko, Inay
Oh! Inay...


LULLING CRADLE

Those good old days, I pray won't fade
When I was young and in Mother's care
Oh, to hear dear Mother's lullaby again
The song of love as she rocked my cradle.

In my deep and peaceful slumber
The stars watch over me in vigil
Life was like heaven in the arms of Mother
Now my heart longs for the lulling cradle.

Those good old days, I pray won't fade
When I was young and in Mother's care
Oh, to hear dear Mother's lullaby again
The song of love as she rocked my cradle.

Lull me, Mother, in my dear old cradle
Oh, Mother.


Translation Copyright © J.Gi Federizo

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DISCLAIMER: The translation above should not, in any way, be taken as an official translation. It is only a translation I made so that people will understand. However, please do not just copy off and not give credit or link here.

UPDATE: Also, I am mentioning this as I am finding out now (October 2016) that my version is being copied and mistaken as the official translation. It is not and is probably not even the best translation out there…Thanks for understanding.

MY DECEMBER AFFAIRS

Okay, so while the brooding side of me wanted to be brooding during the Christmas season, I did decide to make my Christmas merry. So I tried not to be sad even though I very much knew it was my last month at my job.

Wasn't really that hard. I have very wonderful friends that just the thought of having them, and knowing that even other people understood why I did what I had to do without telling them the story, eclipsed the anger that I felt every time I saw Someone's face.

I didn't even have any exit interview. I guess that was because the Human Resources Dept. Head actually already knew my real reasons for leaving, plus she liked me (well, I think). Besides, there were stories/complaints about the certain Someone that indirectly backed me up.

The nasty side of me is actually laughing at her. I know that her blind ambition is going to be her downfall. Judging by what's been happening, it might come sooner, maybe she'll never know what hit her. Still, I sincerely hope she'll mend her ways...But, man, I'd love to be there when she falls right on her face! (I am sooooo bad!)

Anyway, at the school's Christmas party, the former HRD Head attended. After, I saw him at my friend's office and a bit drunk that he was, he pulled and draped an arm around me like we were close, saying, "Oh, this girl, they just don't realize her potential. I remember her, etcetera, etcetera..." My friend told him, "Sir, she resigned." So he went on with his speech about me being this kid with potential, etcetera. Really flattered me. I knew he said something positive about me before, as another friend revealed, but I never knew he thought more highly of me like that.

The good news was/is, he got my number and offered to call me for a possible job. The bad news are: One - he still hasn't called. But probably because it's their Christmas vacation, too. Two - Either he was only drunk at the time and didn't know what he promised, or he was just being nice,...Well, que sera, sera, "whatever will be, will be". Now, my real problem is whether I will like the possible job he might give me (or refer me for) or not, and will I be up to expectations?

Our house...NOT!!! I wish!!!

Going back to Christmas, I was surprised to find our barrio sparkling with Christmas lights along the way when I got home one Saturday night. I shook my head in disbelief, thinking "Just when the power rates went up, they do this!" But that wasn't really the surprise. When the tricycle stopped at our house, I laughed...Our place was sparklingly shining, shimmering and splendid as well! Like I had never seen it before! It was a scene directly out of the Twilight Zone.

We always put up lights every December, but my mother had outdone herself this time. Of course, I scolded her a bit about the impracticality of it. But of course, I got scoffed at and I shut my mouth, LOL!!! There's a funny saying here: Mahirap magpalaki ng magulang. It means "It's hard raising parents." Ha ha!!!!!

On a more serious note, it was a shocking thing when the news of the tsunamis reached us. That was one thing that made me regret not having a job now. If I still have money, maybe I could be of more help. The only thing I can do now is to donate some clothes. Good thing that there are still some left in my locker at the boarding house.

I took some from home to donate to the typhoon victims here. The school collected the donations. Then the night after they brought the donations to their destinations or to whomever the task was given, I had the urge to clean up and arrange the stuff in my locker at the boarding house only to find out I had more clothes stuffed in there. I thought, "Dang! These should have been donated, too, if I only knew." But now, I think I know where I can use them.

December also brought in something else. I met someone. Not exactly how I'd like to meet "someone", but he was persistent. Besides, I'm thinking of the phrase "Sometimes, some things happen in unexpected places or ways." So I've decided to give him a try because, you know, you never know. Of course, we're still in the getting-to-know-you stage.

I'm not sure if he will really like me enough to pursue anything. More importantly, I'm not sure if I will really like him enough to let him pursue. Right now, I'm really just not that decided if I'm interested, and I think, so is he. We'll see what happens. Maybe this January, we'll see. Let's just say I'm playing a whole, new ball game.

Oh well, it's January. Year of the Rooster. Feng shui says it's not my year, so I've heard. But guess what? I really don't believe in such things. Maybe next New Year's, I'll be frying that rooster to ashes. :)