Her House

It was fiesta (or the feast day/celebration dedicated to a place's patron saint) at my aunt’s little community last Sunday. I would not have gone if my mother had not been telling me to go. My aunt would be expecting me and sensitive that she was, I decided to go. After all, I lived there for more than a year years ago. But me being me, I decided to be more independent and left so I could enjoy life without bothering relatives.

Besides, I didn’t like being cooped up there every night with nothing to do but to either watch the mini-store, or to stare at the unplugged TV/radio. I was practically not allowed to ever turn any appliance on. In fairness, she did not allow her son to turn them on as much as possible either (he usually ignored her, anyway). She had this incredible notion that a few hours of turning them on would be equal to a big jump in the electricity bill. It being not my house, I followed the rules.

I also really had to always go home early after work. My aunt worked for the community, night-shift, while her son's shift at at work was during the evenings also. So what happened was I would go home, eat dinner, wash the dishes that got piled up there since lunchtime, then watch the store. Sometimes, she would turn the TV on and watch a little. Then at around eight, she closed the store and locked me and the dog inside. She seemed to think that the lock from inside would not be enough.

And so, I was left with really nothing to do. Sometimes, I just brought work home. Mostly, I lay in bed trying to sleep…We rarely even talked! Sometimes, I would talk to the son, he would pretend to listen but really, he was much more interested in calling his friends and talk about work, problems, and boys (yes he preferred boys). Couldn’t blame him, though. There were times that I really kept talking even though at the back of my mind, I had a feeling that he didn’t really want to listen or wasn’t really listening at all…I was so pathetic!

Add to that, the place was really a mess and a bit unsanitary. But who was I to complain right?

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!! Can you imagine what I was going through? I had to get out of there even if it meant paying for bedspace in a boarding house. The main reason, actually, was I couldn’t keep going home early. The nature of my work demanded more time from me sometimes. One time, my then-boss and I worked till late at night finishing an institutional video. Boy, was my aunt pissed when I went home. She hated that she could not lock the door early. I knew then and there it wasn't going to be easy living there much longer.

One time, I just mentioned that someone from the village and who wasn't even a relative died days ago. She got all mad at me and raised her voice saying, "Why didn't you tell me?!!! You should've told me!" I stared at her dumbfounded. How was I to know which people she knew and that she would like to know if something like death happened to them? I grew up with her living away from the rest of her relatives.

So I left. Truth be told, the only things that I actually missed when I left were the lovable (but smelly) dog and the occasional cute (but usually lazy) guys that passed by the store.

Anyway, like I said, last Sunday, I came back. The dog, as I expected, had died of old age and there was a cute li’l one that has taken its place. The house had undergone renovations and now looks better and is actually much cleaner. My aunt offered to take me in again while I have no job. I declined. What, and completely go nuts? No, thank you.

My aunt and cousins were nice enough, but staying there would not have been a wise idea in the long run. It was a problem waiting to happen.

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UPDATE (July 2017): Fast-forward to years after, Dear Aunt finally moved back to our village with her spawns. I can certainly tell you I made the right decision then. And now, I've made another decision to remove this kind of toxic in my life. To be fair with me, it's not totally my own decision--they put the wheels into motion when they began messing with and trying to run my life.

I had followed their ridiculous orders, always kept myself in check when dealing with them, tolerated their being "user-friendly", and in the end, who is still the loser but me? Because I freaking let them do it to me! But they have pushed me to the edge that I can now comfortably say "good riddance". Yes, I gave them what they wanted, but this benefits me--it has given an end to what binds me to them.

I have no more obligations to them, in fact, I never did have any except they insisted on it, and the kind of person that I am--was--let them dictate otherwise just to keep the peace that was never really there.

No wonder nobody loves them.

Two things to say:

1. My body is freakin' aching!!!! Played volleyball yesterday after a long while of not playing. Didn't warm up and hadn't been exercising the past days so, yeah, what did I expect????

2. One roommate talked about her pathetic lovelife again. Over and over and over, she complains about her cheating boyfriend. Over and over and over, she asks me what to do. Sometimes, I just tell her not to tell me anything anymore. In my exasperation, I asked her, "What was your childhood trauma?!!!"

Yeah, evil of me, but after how many years of putting up with her nonsensical love journeys, years of her letting men abuse her emotions, I have no one to blame...Good thing she didn't know what I meant by childhood trauma...But she keeps asking me because she knows I tell it as it is. After all, she never really listens, grrr!!!!

The Legend of the Turtle

Did you know that aside from Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello, there was a fifth Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles member?

This fifth member was a shy little girl in gradeschool. Then high school happened. The fact that she had to make new friends with kids who knew each other since gradeschool, were mostly more outspoken and liberated, were mostly more well-off, seemed like a smart lot, and mostly lived in the same freakin' town...Well, that was a lot to bear. Hey! She was thirteen! Just starting her teens. Psychologists are right when they say that the teen-age years are times for a lot of confusion and insecurities.

She soon again proved psychologists right. A change in her became noticeable. Short kid that she already was, she became shorter and developed a kind of humped back. She didn't even know. So her parents would say, "Stand straight! You're slumping again." She would not believe it, stood as straight as she thought she could, and said, "Here! See? I am standing straight!" But it was only when she checked herself out in the mirror one day did she realize they were right. Only then did she realize why the bullies sang the theme song for the Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles whenever she passed by. It was for fun, at her expense.

She had resented that they called her "mutant" and felt so ugly when all the while, they were pertaining more to the "turtle" part! In a sense, she was relieved and gradually corrected her Quasimodo posture. It was hard and it indeed hurt a bit, but the results were worth it. The teasing stopped and while it wasn't a quick "recovery" for her ego, she did gradually gain some form of respect later on. It was later in her senior year, during Home Economics class, that she found out why she became that way. The tendency to slump, according to a book, was a manifestation of great insecurity...Boy, was she quite the manifestation!

So now, that girl is no longer that turtle. Once in a while, she feels the insecurities adult life has so abundantly offers, but somehow, she manages even when she sometimes fails. Yet, she keeps the story alive by sharing it. She knows there is a lesson to be learned in there somewhere...

Do I even have to say who she is? ;p

Scared him?...Maybe not...

Him: I didn't want to talk about myself because I was afraid I'd disappoint you. I'm sorry...

Me: Hay naku!...How will I know if you're not going to tell me anything?

Him: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry...I'm really still single... (note: that was one of my questions)

Me: But did you answer YES to all of my questions?

Him: Yes, of course!...Now what did you want to know about me?

Not verbatim, of course, especially since most of our messages were in Filipino, but that was how it went. One of my questions before was "Are you a positive-thinker?", so when he gave me that "Yes, of course" reply, I just bit my tongue. He was afraid I'd be disappointed. Oh, yes, such positive-thinking!

Okay, when I talked about me hating negativity before, I hope I didn't offend anyone who's been struggling with his/her own demons. I know that everyone has his/her own issues in life, including myself. That is why I want a positive force to balance things out. I just hate it that this potential - uh - love (still can't say it naturally), if he does have potential, has more issues to grind than I do and appears to hate his life. I hope I'll be proven wrong in time, I really do.

In one of our conversations, I had asked him "How will you know if you don't act on it?" He stated this famous Filipino saying: "Kung di uukol, di bubukol." Translation: "If it isn't meant to be, there won't be any bumps." Well, it doesn't sound that good when translated literally, but it only means that if something isn't meant to be, it won't ever happen. It is really a good analogy. Unfortunately, it wasn't positive-thinking at all, given our topic.

So this was my reply: "But sometimes, you have to take the risk, even it means falling down and hitting your head, to be able to get that bump. Or else, if you simply stay safe and do nothing, you also get nothing." Probably doesn't sound nice in English, too, but you get the idea. He did, too, and agreed. Yet, getting the idea and actually acting on it are two entirely different things.

Still, I let it drop. If he's still this interested after all the things I said (though tactfully) -- things that could have hurt his already bruised ego, things that could've landed me in his hate-list if he had one -- then he must be worth another try. I give him credit for that, at least. Maybe that's positive-thinking enough.

Maybe he sees me as a kind of challenge. He did say he wanted someone who would not be saying yes to him every time, who could control him. Certainly, as he now knows, I'm no push-over, and while I don't intend to be a control-freak, I speak my mind out. He liked that in me, he told me so before...So now, I'm thinking, boy, this guy's a masochist!!!! LOL!!!!!

Masochist or not, he's free to try once more. And me, I'm not closing my door on him. But, my door isn't open for him alone. As of now, until I make any final decision, he must wait and bear it. And if he can't take the heat,...what's that they say? "Then get out of the kitchen!"

I may have scared him away...

"Please, don't expect too much. Having a relationship isn't my priority right now."

That's what I told him at the start. And I still actually stand by that. He insisted anyway, so I let him try his "luck" because of the ever-perennial question: What if...? So even when there were things that went/go against him -- one, he couldn't have helped anyway -- I let him try to get to know me. He still wants to, I know, and it's interesting that he does. In fact, I'm amazed that he does!

Yet, one thing that I cannot tolerate is negativity.

As I had told him before, I want a positive-thinker so that when I'm feeling negative, he can help me turn around and smile and think better of the situation. What I didn't include to say was, "I don't want a negative person because I do not want someone who will pull me down." But I have been studying his responses and the way I see it, he may have a lot of emotional baggage in his life.

Well, most people do, but they do not let that affect their whole lives. I honestly can't say for now that he is like that, but how will I know if he doesn't want to share? All we talk about is ME. I told him he was being unfair.

I am a bit mad because of that. I want to know what he thinks, how he really is. But he's just so jolly asking about my day. How does he expect me to make a decision? How, especially when I sense that he is insecure of what I am, who I am? At the start, I let him know already about myself, even the negative stuff, so he could decide already if he would pursue me. Still, he did...

Shoot. I wouldn't exactly mind if I would feel insecure about whoever's going to be my other half since I can handle that, but I didn't expect it to be the other way around. In the long run, this might complicate matters. I've heard of situations like this, and they're never pretty. Oh, yes, I have this romantic notion in my head that maybe I'll be the one who'll help him be a better person...Yeah, right. I cannot just wait around and see. Here's another what if : What if he doesn't?

So the other night, after I finally got the response to a test I put him through (I made him jealous, so sue me), I was okay, until he clammed up and said to talk about himself would be boring so better not. That's when I said he was being unfair. The next day, it was like nothing happened and he asked if we could go out. I told him this: "I don't know. We might not have nothing to talk about since I can't ask about you." He didn't answer.

So today, I sent him a message. Maybe an ultimatum. There were questions answerable only by yes or no (example: Are you a positive-thinker? Do you really like me not because you just want to have someone?). Then I told him, if he answers YES to all of them, then I will go out with him. If he answers NO to anyone of them, then we better stop everything. So far, he hasn't said a word. I had told him that if I don't receive a reply, then it's okay. I know the answer.


The day isn't over yet (or maybe he's still in the process of deciding). But if he doesn't answer, I really won't mind. I do not really want to waste my time with someone who thinks that his life is such a waste. I don't like wallowing in waste.

Maybe you're thinking why, when I obviously like him enough to bother write about him? You're right, I like him enough, but at this point in time -- no, at any point in time -- when it comes to love, I don't settle for "enough". I know "perfect" is impossible, so I'm just aspiring for at least, "better". If he doesn't prove to be that, then it doesn't matter if I lose him.

Do I love him? No, not yet, maybe never. I'm more in love with the idea of being in love. I wouldn't want to short-change him either. I will love him when I feel that I do. Right now, I don't, and he will do well to make more effort and not pity himself all the time just because he thinks he's smaller than I am. I just think everyone deserves to be loved.

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P.S. He just sent me a message just now saying sorry for not replying earlier (hmmn, must be ESP). Have yet to talk about it so sorry for the suspense...

Many things to say...

...but not in the mood to say them. In fact, I'm more in the mood to read other people's posts. And I've got a lot of catching up to do. Not that anybody's requiring me, it's just myself requiring myself.

I wish I had more time in my hands. So let me just enumerate what had been on my mind today:

1. The qualifying exams I just took.
2. Somebody.
3. Why I said the Turtle result in one of the quizzes I posted reminded me of high school (someone asked, nyehee!)

All worth different posts.

Later.

Finally!!!!

After two months, I have finally done it...Last Sunday evening, I finally told my mother I resigned! Yeah, yeah, it took me this long, so sue me.

I really didn't have the heart to tell her...Wait. I did have the heart not to tell her during Christmas and as the year was about to change. Didn't want to dampen her spirits. Not that I was scared she would get angry because I knew she wouldn't. I just did not want her to worry about me. Besides, she was always sick the whole holiday season. Needless to say, last week, I let her believe I was working!

Well, I was, sort of. I had been doing unfinished business. Also sent out applications through e-mail last Friday, even when my credentials were sometimes not enough to complete their requirements. I scrimped on food to save money. Honestly think I lost several, if not a lot, of pounds.

Anyway, I was just simply scared and when I finally told her, for some reason, I started to cry, and I was thinking, "Hey, idiot, why the heck are you crying?!!!!" I really did not know why. I guess I was just letting out all the pent up emotions that I kept all these weeks. My mother was composed throughout the whole confession and told me that that is life, that there will be something better...Whew!!!! I just told her to please not worry about me...Now, about my father, I don't have to tell him anything. Sometimes, he even thinks I'm still in school! LOL!!!!

The next day, I stayed home in the province and got a text message from one of those companies I applied to. I was informed about qualifying exams for the position of Copy Editor and could I please reply to the number or call this certain other number to confirm. So I did and that made my day. I'm not sure if I will pass, actually, as I'm at a point where I can only think positive, but not be sure just the same. I'll just try my best.

Meanwhile, today, I met with my former boss, ate lunch with her and some of her former students, and talked till 8 p.m. She gave me lots of advice and asked me to give her my resume because she has lots of contacts. I also informed her that I am going to try and apply for the English/Filipino Writer position in a popular publication. She told me to really do so. Her friend works there and she knows they are actually starting several other publications. Her brother also works for a TV station and she told me she'll see. She also told me to try the other TV stations.

You know, talking to her really made me a bit braver, knowing that there maybe more jobs for me out there. If I can't find any, I will try working for a call center for a while. Why not? That is so in right now, and there are lots of centers looking for agents, plus they pay very well. However, call center or not, I will still continue looking for a job I will truly like, even if it pays much less. Life is not all about money, after all.

HERE'S TO BROADWAY!!!

http://herebroadway.multiply.com/
This is the group I created months ago. So far, we only have very few members (seven, he he he). My fault as I haven't 'advertised' it yet, so now, I am. So if you're interested, whoever you are, come and join us. I promise to make it interesting!

If you also have hi5 accounts, I have the a group of the same name there, too. That one's a bit more established now.

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UPDATE (March 8, 2017): This page is, of course, non-existent now. I lost everything that was there, I think. I have only created a page on my WordPress titled HERE'S TO BROADWAY!!! as well. It's not a group anymore...Then again, and I honestly just thought about it now, maybe I'll create a new blog to create a new community of theatre lovers! We'll see...

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Really Useful Group

The Really Useful Group

 

The site for - you guessed it - Andrew Lloyd Webber and his numerous musicals. Lots of info you can gather. Better if you become a member for you'll have more access to pictures, post reviews of the musicals (whether for stage or film), listen to sample music, be updated on present productions or new projects, shop for recordings or movies of the musicals, even request to be given license to perform any ALW work (believe me, you can contact them as I did before).

Just make sure you read the terms and abide by them.

Dreams Journal

This is not my dream journal but it looks so nice, 'no? Click on it to read the original post

Yep, I started one last night, writing about the dreams I had for the past two nights. I figured I should for me to be able to analyze them better. But basically, I just want to remember them because I find my dreams often amusing and entertaining. More amusing are the people who become part of them, like actors/actresses that I don't personally know, even those I don't even like or hate. I also love mentioning when I see color. It's really rather frequent that I see at least one color, I realize.

Most of my dreams really do not make sense but last night, I was able to interpret three out of the five dreams I wrote down in the journal. As for last night, I know I had a dream, woke up, made a mental note to remember it, but now, I've forgotten. I also seemed to have a peaceful sleep because I woke up all relaxed and earlier than usual. Tried to sleep again but my body was rarin' to go.

But anyway, I'll see what my dreams have yet to churn out...