Rain, rain, go away....

I am tired of my own personal dramas.

I hate dragging people to my own problems. I used to solve problems by myself as much as possible. But now...Asking for help has somewhat become so embarrassing. Humiliating. Humbling, yes, but it still makes me feel like I am humiliating myself.

People used to say I am strong. I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe I am just someone who has no choice.

I don't want help. No, I don't mean that in a proud, superior-feeling kind of way. I just want to be independent. I want to be the one to give help, not really ask for it.

The thing is, I don't want it, but I need it. That is the reality. And almost everyday these past years, I put myself in a position where people can ridicule me either to my face or behind my back, neither one better than the other. And I hate that some kind of rub my face in it, or give me the run-around when all the while they intend to sayno, or even make me almost beg for it. Some people even go out of their way to make sure I stay down.

But I endure all that for my family. Because this is where He has thrust me.

Somebody reminded me that He has something bigger in store for me. But I am not concerned about Me. I am concerned about My Family. I pray and pray and pray for my husband, for my kids, for my sister, for her family. All the people I love are suffering. How can I keep telling them He has bigger things in store for us?

I just tell them all these shall past. But it's always a hard pill to swallow when you're hurting...

September 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Okay, drama over!!!

I just realized that I have not shared this yet. So here's a link to it :)

September 2016 RECAP

Moms, we are with you…

It’s also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, did you know? I didn’t, until I stumbled upon Ashley Anderson‘s article last Friday.  Now you know what that means to me, so I won’t delve much into it. I do want to express my deep sorrow through her words.

Our experiences were different, but we were on the same boat. And now, we’re learning to swim, maybe in a different way, too, but we’re both surviving in our own ways. The way a lot of mothers who were on the same boat as well are coping with life.

To our fellow moms, I only have to say that we must strive to enjoy life every day, enjoy even the tiniest bit of things. And never, ever lose hope…

Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Awareness Month

 

It isn't just a month for me. It doesn't seem like I am grieving, but I am grieving everyday...

Cuts Like a Knife

Got a major headache. Literally and figuratively speaking. Feels like a knife through my head (and heart).

The thing is, most won't care if I tell them directly why. I mean, they don't even ask why. I even actually tell them why, but...

Do you know what it feels like to consider people as friends, and then the first time you ask for help, they act like they haven't seen your message and don't say a thing? Not just for days...weeks! It's not even just the positive answer I am waiting for. I am waiting for acknowledgment, for any answer, even if they say no.

I don't want to be a nitpicker, or maybe matampuhin (someone who feels bad towards others just because they say no). I will understand if they have problems of their own. But to be ignored? That seriously sends a silent message: you're not really considered a friend, even when they say you are and even tell you "Miss you."

Some even call you "BFF", but treat you like trash they don't want to look at. Suddenly, they don't tag you in their posts or LIKE any of yours, like you've got the plague. Then you realize, that forwarded message supposedly for "BFFs"? They were also probably sent to all on their contact lists. So you aren't really anything to them except an annoying contact who has the gall to bother them and ask for help.

I'm just thinking, what if their helping  me would spell the difference between life and death? Truth is, it's kind of like that already, in a way. What if I died, would they say, "Oh, okay. So sorry for her", then they would go on with their lives not really feeling anything?

I'm just saying, you know, that is not how you treat friends. Or anyone, for that matter. Would a simple "I'm sorry, I can't help you" eat too much of your time?

It's ironic that people who aren't exactly your friends, whom you haven't been acquainted with that long, sometimes, they're the ones to ask if you're okay and offer time to listen to you and to pray for you. God bless them.

And thank you to those who don't give a care. At least, I know who you are. God bless you, too. I'm not mad. But yes, it hurts like you just killed me.

Life going on 3

People are becoming depressed. The worst part of all is you are their common denominator. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

However to rid of the problem...?

Life going on 2

The worse part of trying to smoke away your worries or to get drunk is you can't--you hate the taste and smoke of cigarettes and you have no money to buy beer.  

Life going on

Life goes on. That should be the plan.

Sometimes, unfortunately.

The trouble with leaving is that you still have to worry about those you are leaving behind.

July & August 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

You don't know it yet (because this blog probably has no followers yet, ha!), but I missed updating MoCCA for weeks. So I thought I'd do a two-in-one shot here to give you my #MonthlyRecap of what's been going on in my other, more popular (popular? ha!) blog over at WordPress. Well, to give you the links is more like it.

Read for yourselves how much different my two months went!

July 2016 Recap

August 2016 Recap

September's almost over. Just wait till I tell you the new stuff ;)

Since no one's going to read this...

...I think I can say with all honesty that I am sad. I just have to let it out. With all my trying to be positive, I have to tell you, I am a mess inside.

I bring the burden of the world with me, from my family, to my country, to the world. And it sucks 'cause I can only do so much. I don't even feel sad for myself, really, except when it comes to my babies whom I never got to hold.

It does not help that I often make the wrong decisions, however well-intentioned, however well I think I plan, however smart I think my ideas are at the time. Then they go blowing--exploding!--on my face. I feel sad especially if I cause others to be sad, especially not my loved ones.

I try to make things right, to work, but sometimes, somehow, I still end up like an idiot.

Things have not been alright for the longest time. I don't even have the heart to wish for the chance to bring back the time. Why? Because I don't want to make mistakes again., maybe not the same, but the outcome will most probably be wrong just the same...

*SIGH*

Okay, I'm okay now. Such is life. We move on. I move on.

Interview with This Vampire

Well, just finished answering a set of questions earlier, maybe more than an hour ago, and it's just (already!) 4am. Met a blogger who is doing a set of interviews with regards to love and relationships. I unwittingly managed to put myself in a position where I'm to share my own story. I didn't expect it, really, but I have to say I felt okay sharing myself. My answers were quite long, in fact, so I leave it to him to do the necessary editing.

Was I honest in my answers? Of course. Did I leave out anything? Absolutely. There are just some more private things that should remain private. Even when this blog was still in Multiply and on private mode, I still took care of what I wrote about. Let's face it, blogs aren't so private unless you keep out everybody but yourself.

Will provide a link when posted.

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~ ~ ~ tumbleweed...~ ~ ~

 

Aaaand...here is the link, as promised: MAHIRAP BANG MAGING NBSB? ELABORATE. It's cut in two parts so just start there.