Part of this World?

I know, I know. Maybe practically everyone feels alone and different, at least, once in his/her life. It's normal, especially for a teenager. I felt like that several times when I was a teen. Yet, I've felt like that at many various times in my adult life, too. It keeps happening, It just isn't excusable for me anymore.

Not that I ask to be excused, especially for negative behavior that sometimes stems from insecurity and anxiety. I do say my sorry-s. I don't want to be excused. I want to just GROW THE F UP!!! I WISH I could just snap my fingers and I'm fine again. But I'm never really. I am just able to mask the problems even from myself to be able to say to myself that I'm fine.

That whole positive side I've had for many years were probably just a mask, too. Yes, I know, it's not bad to be positive, I believe that. I'm just saying I wish I really felt what I believed I was supposed to be feeling.

I want to be understood. It's not that I haven't tried to explain myself or haven't tried listening to people. I actually always do. It's just it's hard to convince myself when people don't really care to understand deeper. Like what I read from a post by a young man I never met, and whose own life he cut short himself,...

"Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people

who are committed to misunderstanding you."

I don't applaud the kid for what he did, but I understand what he went through. I go through that with a lot of people. A few weeks ago, I was confronted. Rather than explain myself more, I just said sorry. I didn't want to drag the issue more because it has been going on for a long time. I did try to explain but after a few exchanges, I knew it was futile trying to change an already-made up mind. 

Even when I've changed, people who just aren't interested in me enough have made my past errors as a convenient excuse to not befriend me. Simply put, I just can't catch up and they have no patience to wait for me. They just aren't open enough to admit how they have treated me, too. But okay, I let it pass already. Like I said, I said sorry. No amount of explaining to my "confronter" her misconceptions and unrealized bias against me. I couldn't even explain to her that no, her comparing her problems to me were not the same. Cases in point: 

• She is much more well-off financially (I'm not at all).
• She has parents and well-to-do siblings to back her up even if she turns poor (I don't have parents anymore and my only sister is far away and she needs my help).
• She has her own kids who love her (one of my stepsons hate me, the other swears he loves me but he probably doesn't, I had two miscarriages and may never have my own kids again).
• She has a close-knit enough clan to help her out in times of trouble (mine cause me the troubles a lot of times, pushing me against the wall if not get me stuck between two walls colliding). 

No. Comparison. At. All. 

I now acknowledge that I have depression. It could be clinical depression, or maybe I'm just romanticizing the idea, I'm not sure. I will probably go through many bouts of it still. People don't really have a need for me now, except one person, and that's my sister. Even my husband and his kids can live without me because of their whole clan who accepts them. They're not bad. I'm just not considered one of them.

I've said it a lot of times enough in the past, if there's no one who needs me anymore in this world, I'll gladly wait for God to take me already.

BURGLARY!!!!

As I write this, the news is new. My husband just informed me our house just got burglarized. He/They stole my old laptop (I hope they get frustrated trying to turn it on because it's already not functioning correctly, PLUS the screen is broken, they won't see a thing unless they attach it to a monitor). Worse, the money we had been keeping was stolen. That was money that I just borrowed! It wasn't freakin' extra money!

I borrowed that money to cover for the replacement of our water pipes and relocation of the meter. We had to because my relatives kept demanding that I do it immediately. Fortunately, the work's done. But I'm so mad because I was going to use it wisely for our needs, to pay off other debts and to save more until we could raise around 50K, the amount needed to transfer my parents' remains to the memorial lot I am paying for, as demanded by my other relatives (long story why)...

I'm supposed to be forgiving. What pisses me off is why am I not that angry???!!! I mean I'm angry, but I should be body-shaking angry! Can't I react like any other normal being and not just be nice about it and thinking, "Oh well, it's done. Move on. Be careful next time."...Is it my fault people are bad????

UPDATE: Laptop found in my parents' bedroom where it shouldn't be. Either the burglar(s) realized it was the wrong one, or thought it might be noticed outside, or found out it's defective. The envelop where the money used to be was there, empty. My parents' cabinet got ransacked, too--well, they wouldn't really find anything that valuable there.


Fuck, you start living a little better and these bad people are ready to pounce on you like you deserve it...NOW I'm feeling the anger...

October & November 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Sorry, I was busy with life. You know how time-consuming that could be. But here are two months' worth of "report".

Do click on the images, please. ;)

October 2016 RECAP

 

 

 

November 2016 RECAP

 

Rain, rain, go away....

I am tired of my own personal dramas.

I hate dragging people to my own problems. I used to solve problems by myself as much as possible. But now...Asking for help has somewhat become so embarrassing. Humiliating. Humbling, yes, but it still makes me feel like I am humiliating myself.

People used to say I am strong. I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe I am just someone who has no choice.

I don't want help. No, I don't mean that in a proud, superior-feeling kind of way. I just want to be independent. I want to be the one to give help, not really ask for it.

The thing is, I don't want it, but I need it. That is the reality. And almost everyday these past years, I put myself in a position where people can ridicule me either to my face or behind my back, neither one better than the other. And I hate that some kind of rub my face in it, or give me the run-around when all the while they intend to sayno, or even make me almost beg for it. Some people even go out of their way to make sure I stay down.

But I endure all that for my family. Because this is where He has thrust me.

Somebody reminded me that He has something bigger in store for me. But I am not concerned about Me. I am concerned about My Family. I pray and pray and pray for my husband, for my kids, for my sister, for her family. All the people I love are suffering. How can I keep telling them He has bigger things in store for us?

I just tell them all these shall past. But it's always a hard pill to swallow when you're hurting...

September 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

Okay, drama over!!!

I just realized that I have not shared this yet. So here's a link to it :)

September 2016 RECAP

Moms, we are with you…

It’s also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, did you know? I didn’t, until I stumbled upon Ashley Anderson‘s article last Friday.  Now you know what that means to me, so I won’t delve much into it. I do want to express my deep sorrow through her words.

Our experiences were different, but we were on the same boat. And now, we’re learning to swim, maybe in a different way, too, but we’re both surviving in our own ways. The way a lot of mothers who were on the same boat as well are coping with life.

To our fellow moms, I only have to say that we must strive to enjoy life every day, enjoy even the tiniest bit of things. And never, ever lose hope…

Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Awareness Month

 

It isn't just a month for me. It doesn't seem like I am grieving, but I am grieving everyday...

Cuts Like a Knife

Got a major headache. Literally and figuratively speaking. Feels like a knife through my head (and heart).

The thing is, most won't care if I tell them directly why. I mean, they don't even ask why. I even actually tell them why, but...

Do you know what it feels like to consider people as friends, and then the first time you ask for help, they act like they haven't seen your message and don't say a thing? Not just for days...weeks! It's not even just the positive answer I am waiting for. I am waiting for acknowledgment, for any answer, even if they say no.

I don't want to be a nitpicker, or maybe matampuhin (someone who feels bad towards others just because they say no). I will understand if they have problems of their own. But to be ignored? That seriously sends a silent message: you're not really considered a friend, even when they say you are and even tell you "Miss you."

Some even call you "BFF", but treat you like trash they don't want to look at. Suddenly, they don't tag you in their posts or LIKE any of yours, like you've got the plague. Then you realize, that forwarded message supposedly for "BFFs"? They were also probably sent to all on their contact lists. So you aren't really anything to them except an annoying contact who has the gall to bother them and ask for help.

I'm just thinking, what if their helping  me would spell the difference between life and death? Truth is, it's kind of like that already, in a way. What if I died, would they say, "Oh, okay. So sorry for her", then they would go on with their lives not really feeling anything?

I'm just saying, you know, that is not how you treat friends. Or anyone, for that matter. Would a simple "I'm sorry, I can't help you" eat too much of your time?

It's ironic that people who aren't exactly your friends, whom you haven't been acquainted with that long, sometimes, they're the ones to ask if you're okay and offer time to listen to you and to pray for you. God bless them.

And thank you to those who don't give a care. At least, I know who you are. God bless you, too. I'm not mad. But yes, it hurts like you just killed me.

Life going on 3

People are becoming depressed. The worst part of all is you are their common denominator. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

However to rid of the problem...?

Life going on 2

The worse part of trying to smoke away your worries or to get drunk is you can't--you hate the taste and smoke of cigarettes and you have no money to buy beer.  

Life going on

Life goes on. That should be the plan.

Sometimes, unfortunately.

The trouble with leaving is that you still have to worry about those you are leaving behind.