Define "Importance"

I had been meaning to mention this. Ten minutes after publishing my last post, I received news. Granted that it wasn't good news. But it was also like the universe was telling me that no, it was not my time yet. It probably won't be in many years (frankly, I do hope so). More recent happenings involving family and friends confirmed it. People do need me.

There are those who don't need me. Some don't care an iota whether I exist in their universe or not. They are probably too busy acting and thinking like the world revolves around them. Still, yes, I should never define my existence based on their false sense of self-importance. 

No one should depend on other people's definition of them. 

I assume that I'll still get these bouts of depression from time to time. What's important is to always remember that I matter to people who do matter to me, too. They need me. I can't bear the thought of leaving them hurt, angry, and confused. 

If they think I'm their light, then I'll sure as heck try to shine as bright as I can. Even if I burn.

Part of this World?

I know, I know. Maybe practically everyone feels alone and different, at least, once in his/her life. It's normal, especially for a teenager. I felt like that several times when I was a teen. Yet, I've felt like that at many various times in my adult life, too. It keeps happening, It just isn't excusable for me anymore.

Not that I ask to be excused, especially for negative behavior that sometimes stems from insecurity and anxiety. I do say my sorry-s. I don't want to be excused. I want to just GROW THE F UP!!! I WISH I could just snap my fingers and I'm fine again. But I'm never really. I am just able to mask the problems even from myself to be able to say to myself that I'm fine.

That whole positive side I've had for many years were probably just a mask, too. Yes, I know, it's not bad to be positive, I believe that. I'm just saying I wish I really felt what I believed I was supposed to be feeling.

I want to be understood. It's not that I haven't tried to explain myself or haven't tried listening to people. I actually always do. It's just it's hard to convince myself when people don't really care to understand deeper. Like what I read from a post by a young man I never met, and whose own life he cut short himself,...

"Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people

who are committed to misunderstanding you."

I don't applaud the kid for what he did, but I understand what he went through. I go through that with a lot of people. A few weeks ago, I was confronted. Rather than explain myself more, I just said sorry. I didn't want to drag the issue more because it has been going on for a long time. I did try to explain but after a few exchanges, I knew it was futile trying to change an already-made up mind. 

Even when I've changed, people who just aren't interested in me enough have made my past errors as a convenient excuse to not befriend me. Simply put, I just can't catch up and they have no patience to wait for me. They just aren't open enough to admit how they have treated me, too. But okay, I let it pass already. Like I said, I said sorry. No amount of explaining to my "confronter" her misconceptions and unrealized bias against me. I couldn't even explain to her that no, her comparing her problems to me were not the same. Cases in point: 

• She is much more well-off financially (I'm not at all).
• She has parents and well-to-do siblings to back her up even if she turns poor (I don't have parents anymore and my only sister is far away and she needs my help).
• She has her own kids who love her (one of my stepsons hate me, the other swears he loves me but he probably doesn't, I had two miscarriages and may never have my own kids again).
• She has a close-knit enough clan to help her out in times of trouble (mine cause me the troubles a lot of times, pushing me against the wall if not get me stuck between two walls colliding). 

No. Comparison. At. All. 

I now acknowledge that I have depression. It could be clinical depression, or maybe I'm just romanticizing the idea, I'm not sure. I will probably go through many bouts of it still. People don't really have a need for me now, except one person, and that's my sister. Even my husband and his kids can live without me because of their whole clan who accepts them. They're not bad. I'm just not considered one of them.

I've said it a lot of times enough in the past, if there's no one who needs me anymore in this world, I'll gladly wait for God to take me already.